Recovery needs my honesty

As a program long timer, I can sometimes be tempted not to be truthful about where I am at but instead be vague about what struggles I'm facing, and instead focus on the hope and strength of my journey.

While I understand it's important I'm of service to others, I realise dishonesty really can't be my HPs will or truely be of service. Only HP can know what others need to hear from me. No one can truely be inspired by lies, no matter how subtle.  I heard a long timer share yesterday that she realised her imperfect story, one which included relapse after long term abstinence, needed to be heard for others to know that despite relapse after years of program she still could find recovery again. She certainly inspired me.

I also see that I really struggle with humility, that my default comparison position (feeling both less than and better than) is one of the most self destructive elements of my compulsive disease. I sense that these struggles are the best lessons of program.

I suffer from a progressive disease. Each year I struggle to be truthful about the amount of food my body needs, my meal size and what is considered 'with a meal' (is a piece of fruit 15 or 30 minutes later really with a meal?). I struggle to be honest about what my abstinence looks like and what restaurants I can eat at, I struggle to ask for my own meal, to admit that sharing food is one of the hardest things for me.

I am humbled to know that despite years of program, distorted thinking that 'I know' program that I am still a compulsive overeater who needs to surrender each meal to her disease.  I am humbled, but not humiliated, to know my body isn't right sized, that my angry and resentful behaviour shows I am still wrestling control of my life from my HP. I'm inspired to keep working a program and be open to messages from my HP.

My life experience has shown me that if I am honest in my struggle, do the work and surrender to my HP life will be good. I will have the life HP intends for me.