My old friend fear of failure

Hello my old friend fear, you've not been gone long and I enjoyed your absence, but somehow it seems right you are back.  I was hoping to have lost contact with you, to have moved on to a new circle of friends but it appears that's not God's will for me.

What message have you brought with you?

I wonder why you always visit me when it comes to my work?  I've had fear of failure, fear of being found out as a fraud, for all my life. I remember it clearly at school, but remember it most painfully in my first few full-time jobs where I didn't appreciate what I was good at.  I just never felt enough.

 These days I seem to swing between over-confidence in my abilities and pure panic that people are just about to discover that I am not up to the job, that I'll lose my job and not be able to cope financially. 

The fear paralyses me, stops me from just getting in and doing my job and do what I am paid for.  I have so many 'to dos' left undone at work simply because I am afraid I do not know how to do them well.  I'm not pulling my weight, or working to my true ability. Other people are getting in and doing a better job and I am so resentful. I feel vulnerable and embarrassed. Isn't it strange how fear run wild results in the thing I am most afraid of?

I need to take action.  The opposite face of fear is faith, and in the past I have seen when I am missing faith I can act as if until it arrives.  Acting is good enough and can deliver the same results.  I am not making promises that I will storm through all my to dos on Monday but I will try to act as if I believe I can do my role, that I deserve to be successful.  After all, my business did just make that decision about me.  You see I am a survivor - I have a role when many don't.  I can just do everything on my to do list on the basis that I can do them well.

I have just started my latest Step 4, so I've started on my work issues and I can see I am full of self-obsession and self-absorption.  I am a pile of resentments and they are all based on the notion that if someone else doesn't think I am great, doesn't look after me at work, then I will not survive.  It's the old 'I am not enough'.  I've been blaming bosses and co-workers for how hard I have been finding life, but fear was really to blame.

God, I am so bloody grateful you looked after me this week.  I am going to use that gratitude to confront my fear.  With your help I know I can live in faith; live happily no matter what your will for me is.

Here I go, off to do my first to do.