A day to remember

Tomorrow my ex-husband is cremated.  It is the end of his painful journey with addiction, one that finally killed him at the age of 47. Too young to die, too old to continue to battle with an enemy that had him tightly in it's grip since his teens.

This has been a tough week, and one where I have subtly played out my own addictions. Overeating. Busyness. Abandoning myself. There has been lots of ways I have numbed myself and tried to avoid the complex tide of feelings that keep washing over me.  I got myself to a meeting tonight and started to get back in touch with the feelings I was feeling when I first heard the news.

I am so sad that his life was how it was. He died alone, drinking alone and hiding from the world.  He wasn't discovered for a few days as his life had become an unending series of days drinking alone.  Very few people talked to him regularly as people who loved him found it too painful to see.  Many people were angry with him for not being able to help himself, many were angry at themselves for not being able to help.  He had married three times but still hadn't found the self-love he needed to face his demons.

I am so grateful for knowing my ex. He was a kind and loving person who is a big part of who I am today.  We grew up together, we became the people we are together. He will always be my first love and my first sexual partner. Through him I went to my first 12-step meeting.  Through him I began a journey of self-discovery that made me feel freer than I ever dreamed of.

The reality is, despite a distance of almost 15 years I still feel a lot of guilt around him.  I was a terrible wife and behaved in ways that I am ashamed of. I feel guilty that I left him. I feel guilty that I have found a great life and he didn't (I know that is arrogant to assume his life wasn't great, but it is how I feel).  I feel guilty that my addictions haven't stopped me being loved, working, having a family.  I feel guilty that I ever thought he and I could make a family.

I was lucky enough to have made two amends two him - one around how I was with him in our marriage and one about how I was with out of our marriage.  My living amends to him was no contact, my living amends to me was no contact with him or his family.  That meant I discovered that he was dead via facebook, something I found shocking.  When I called his brother he sounded stressed I had had to call them - we didn't have your number he blurted out.  Somehow that made me feel guilty too as I knew that was by my design.

I am afraid of tomorrow. Will I behave the way I am supposed to? Will others tell me they are angry with me because of how I was with him or them? Will others behave too kindly to me so I won't be able to cope?  I know it is going to be a difficult day so I am going to ask God to come to the funeral with me. I need to do this.  I need to say goodbye properly.  I don't want it to be another thing I feel guilty about.