Insane. Who me?

I am starting to look at Step 2 of this journey of recovery, and as part of that process I am questioning whether I am 'suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer' (BB 44).  Is it true that I have behaved in insane ways and that only a higher power can return me to sanity?  Life has shown me over and over again that in some areas of my life I am insane, and can only be helped by a higher power.  Nothing I can do, say or learn can return me to sanity.

The ways I have acted insanely include:

• Blaming my weight on my genes, metabolism, problems – allowed myself not to face my compulsive overeating. Keep thinking that if only I was thin I would be happy.

• Pretending I was somebody else so I didn’t have to confront my coe. Pretended I didn’t like the beach, swimming, outdoor activity or playing sport.
• I wore/wear black clothes as much as possible in the mistaken belief it hid my weight. Wore long sleeves in the hottest of weather and convinced myself i wasn’t hot.
• Isolating and limiting my social life because of food and how I felt about myself.
• I was ‘driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity ‘(Pg 62 BB). I was afraid of never being good enough or loveable enough to be happy. I believed I had it all under control if people would just do it my way, that my way of living was the only way – despite my issues with my food.
• Got involved with unavailable and inappropriate men because I felt unloveable and unattractive. Chose men on the basis they reflected well on me physically and then accused them of being shallow and believed a lot of issues came from my weight not my behaviour.
• Blamed the world for not making me happy. Gossiped, bitched and moaned.
• Disconnected from my higher power – and tried to live on self will. Pushed and pushed in areas I felt I ‘had to’ control.
• Kept having conflict with people, places and things.
• Kept pushing and working and things (and relationships) despite all the signs that it was not working.
• Acted over-responsibly, assumed I could fix everything. Did for others what they needed to do for themselves with the expectation they’d look after me back. I have focussed on other people’s problems rather than face I had my own.
• I have eaten food when I was not hungry, when it hurt to eat more, when eating more food made me feel sick and vomit. I have eaten food that was not cooked properly, stale or off. I have eaten food to sate my pain and emotions. I have eaten food I am allergic too. I have eaten food to shift my mood and have altered my hormonal balance.
• I kept eating food that made me compulsive and promising myself to just have one.
• I have lied about what I have eaten; to myself and others.
• I keep turning to food to ease the pain of excess weight.
• I spent money on therapists and counsellors to solve my weight issues.
• I damage and maim my body including compulsively picking and touching my skin.
• I get excessively busy – at work and in my private life – and leave no time for feeling my feelings.
• I often do the same things over and over again but expect the outcome to be different.