If it is to be, then it is up to my HP

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment, and I am having the slow realisation that my recent unhappiness is caused by my will getting back in the way of my life.  I thought I'd really learnt that I can't think myself a sane, happy life and that it is only in my surrender that I get the life I need.  Once again the sneakiness of my disease has surprised me where I review all the areas of my life where I am acting in control.

Work is crazy, where I feel under pressure and under-performing in a fast-paced male environment, all under the cloud of change that a corporate restructure brings.  I am failing to do the ground-work, blaming others, procrastinating on the big things and obsessing with the detail, being self-centred and acting resentfully.

I want my marriage to be bright and shiny, and seem to rubbing just a little too hard in the areas I think have lost it's shine.  I have been pressuring my husband to do marriage counselling when realistically we just need to open the communication doors.  Nothing slams those doors shut faster than the suggestion we need professional input.

I want my body to push through pain and heal, despite the fact I have abandoned it these last few years reducing my exercise to a token level and haven't been feeding it the most nutritious meals.  I am angry at my body (and myself) for all the weight it has on and the moment, and the struggle it is having supporting that weight while on crutches.  I am expecting my husband to look after my food, while resenting the fact he can eat whatever he wants without physical consequences.

Grief is playing havoc with my emotions, and when I generally feel sad I pick at the old wound that is my childlessness.  I fantasise (is there a word for a negative fantasy) that my husband's happiness is defined by what I can not deliver him.  I project all my unexplained pain, hurt, guilt and regret onto this easily explainable pain.

I am nervous about our financial situation, despite demanding that I can have everything I want even if I can't afford it.  My credit card bills have escalated to pre-marriage days and I am feeling the emotional burden of financial fear that it is spiralling out of control.  I am not letting go of the areas of excess, and I am filling my apartment and my head with clutter.  My HP clearly wants a simpler life for me than bright shiny unpaid toys.

I am not open to others and failing to remember that my HP often tells me their will for me through others.

I don't need to worry about the minutiae of any of this, I can stop the pain caused by living beyond my means.  My message to myself is simply 'If it is to be, then it is up to my HP'.  If it seems all too hard it's because I am butting my head against the wall of self will.  I need to hand it all over to my HP - they know what is the next right thing for me.