Forest near KielderOne minute it is here, the next minute its vanished so quickly it is as though it was never here at all. Why is my willingness so slippery? Where does it go when it disappears, is there some holiday retreat for personal traits that I don't know about? Is this another way my HP is reminding me that I am not in control, that my life is in his hands?
I am praying for willingness again. My weight is once again showing me that my food is not OK? I feel big - too large for my clothes, too large for my furniture and too large for my partner. We have started to laugh about how much I dwarf him in the photos we take - in honesty I'm not finding it that funny.
My ego is struggling with acceptance of where I am. I have been in programme a long time, surely I should have it cracked by now? Weight (I actually mean size I think as I am not weighing I am just noticing how I am in clothes) isn't everything, I know, but it is the best thing I have to show me how I am honesty doing with my food.
My dishonesty with food is shameful. I accept it is part of my disease, but I also accept if I take responsibility for it, catch it the instant it starts to happen, that my disease can be arrested. I want to stop lying to myself about how much food I am eating. I want to stop lying, by omission, to my sponsor and my group when I have broken my abstinence.
Most of all I want to stop eating food outside my food plan.
HP send me some willingness please?
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