Willingness got me to where I am today

I was to chair a meeting on willingness last night, but a newcomer arrival saw us switch formats. However, I am grateful for the preparation I did which reminded me that all I need to work my program is willingness.

Sick of struggling with my abstinence, despite just getting the big thing I so wanted (I am as uncomfortable with good feelings as I am with negative feelings such as fear) I decided I needed to pray for the willingness to do life differently.

In my struggle, I'd slipped from surrender to control, and it was spiralling out of control. I wasn't doing anything I needed to - I'd stopped talking to my HP, I'd stopped writing my food plan, and I certainly wasn't doing my daily review before I went to bed.

I was obsessing about my weight and how bad I was looking. I was accusing my husband of not fancying me any more. I had made my weight and my food responsible for anything that wasn't perfect in my life.

The reality was I wasn't willing to do anything to live my life the sane way I usually do. Then I remembered the me who first came into program,when all I had was willingness to come to meetings. I wasn't willing to eat three meals a day, I wasn't willing to get a sponsor and I certainly wasn't willing to let my HP control my life. Someone asked me if I was ready to risk getting a better life by simply asking the universe for willingness to do those things. Why not I thought, I always liked to rise to a challenge.

And to my surprise, the willingness came almost immediately. It was to be the first of many amazing discoveries in recovery. On days I am feeling twee, I call it my first miracle. Since then I have found that if I ask, the willingness comes. Sometimes not as fast as I want, but eventually the willingness arrives.

So last weekend, sick of myself I finally asked for the willingness to do life differently. And it arrived in a flash, and almost painlessly.

I am feeling so grateful for the little gems I've learnt that have simply changed my life.