Despite an almost unending list of things to be grateful for, my life seems tough at the moment. I don't seem to be getting anything I want. I am full of fear at what lays ahead and how I'll manage.
I have been using food as a tool to numb my feelings. I have been tearful and projecting into the future, focusing on all the negatives and how badly my life could unravel. I am having migraines and have been self absorbed. I am reverting to poor living habits.
Life shows me over and over again I always get what I need; not necessarily the things I want. I need to find my faith in life, and start living life on life's terms, not my terms. Ok, so I seem to be missing out on some big things at the moment (motherhood, or even the chance of motherhood, certainty about when I'll see my family again, satisfaction at work, financial security) but the reality is I know I will survive no matter what.
I have tools to help me manage my life. I have a HP looking over me, a loving partner, love of family & friends, enough money to feed and clothe myself. I will survive and I will be happy no matter what happens in the next few months.
I need to pick up those tools I've learnt in program, to stop just paying lip service to recovery and act like a sane and sober person. There is a bit of perfectionism going on. I am berating myself for how well I am coping with life (or more correctly how poorly I am living). The reality is I am going through a bumpy patch, and yes I have allowed myself to slip back to old behaviours but it is ok,I can look after myself better from here, be more vigilant in my relationship with food,live life with a positive attitude.
Experience has shown me I get the life I work towards. It is time to work towards the sane life I know program brings me.
A sponsee is calling soon. It is important I am working with others, thinking of life beyond my own problems and remembering what it is to be living a sane life.
In sharing my experience with recovery I am hoping to keep what I have learned close to my weary heart.
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