Doctor's Opinion

I have been reading the Doctor's Opinion in the AA Big Book and am wondering if I really believe that I have an allergy, whether I truely understand that my disease is physical (as well as emotional and spiritual)?

I know that if I decide to take that first compulsive bite of something that I am allergic to, like sugar, that there is a definite physical reaction. Once I have sugar in my body I have no defense against the craving for more sugar. I no longer fight, I simply surrender to the cravings and binge on sugar. Besiges the bloating and the discomfort, my body gets itchy, I get migraines, my body temperature rises to a level that becomes uncomfortable, my heart rate increases and I get a general buzz inside my body like I do when I have PMT.

Yes, I know my disease is physical, but do I take it as serious as being allergic to peanuts or seafood? No, sadly I don't. I keep experimenting with what I can eat, trying to see how close to eating sugar I can get without having the reaction. I keep thinking experimenting with food sweetened by artificial sweeteners, honey or fruit sweeteners is OK. It is not. I need to remember that my brain doesn't know the difference between sugar and artificial sweeteners, that as soon it feels the hit of sugar it will be craving more. I keep experimenting with eating outside three meals a day, to see what I can do without triggering the craving for more food.

Why do I want to act so insanely? If I was dangerously allergic to peanuts would I be experimenting with what kinds of nuts I could survive eating? I doubt I'd do that in a dangerous way, without protection. I am being reckless with my food. I am triggering the craving and then expecting myself to be able to tough it out.

I am not like other people. I can not eat sweet food. I can not eat outside meal times, no matter how healthy the snack. I can not overeat at meal time, or put too much food on my plate.

I am slowly gaining weight at the moment. It is because I am sneaking around the boundaries - having an extra piece of fruit here, a packet of crisps there, larger portions with my meals. It is making me feel ashamed. It is not living sanely. I am being increasingly uncomfortable in my body, less clear in my thinking, more emotional.

How can I carry the message when I losing the message?

I need to take responsibility for what is happening. I need to be honest every time I do something that triggers the allergy of compulsive overeating.