In the food - how did that happen?

I am trying to overcome my ego and write this entry honestly and humbly. I've learnt in program that being humble isn't berating myself and saying I am less than, it is about saying I am the same as others no better, no worse.

I need to remember that today, the day after a day in the food. My body is in pain, my sinus' hurt from sugar they are not used to. My stomach is bloated and I feel ashamed. I am judging my physical self in a way that I do not usually do. I ate food that wasn't mine, it was my partners. I was secretive and sneaked it when he wasn't looking - I even got up after he fell asleep so I could eat uninterrupted.

I didn't want to see his face, to hear his questions about what I was doing. I wanted to be in my disease alone.

So how did this happen?

Earlier in the week, I realised I was a little off track. We've had a big emotional week around my partner's health. He has a chronic serious illness and he was having trouble living with it so he had a doctors appointment to see what was happening. We are hoping to move to Australia, and his health is a big concern regarding his visa application.

I let all my coping mechanisms kick in on the days around his doctors appointment. I told him that our HPs would look after us, that we would get what we needed and could cope with. I said the right words, appeared to be handing it over to my HP, but deep down I was hanging on. I was making secretive deals with my HP, secretive to even me. I'll work my program if you make everything ok.... old stuff for me.

The doctors appointment went ok, we felt ok with the prognosis and what our HPs were giving us to cope with. And then my feelings kicked in, feelings I hadn't even realised I'd been holding on to - fear, control, anger, resentment. They swelled up and I didn't know how to handle them. I cried the evening after the appointment, and my partner told me he was confused by my reaction. Hadn't I been giving to my HP? Clearly not.

I realised I was in trouble so I did some work - some writing, went to a meeting, handed my feelings to my HP. A bit. The meeting was on Step 3, and I realised that was happening - I didn't really think my HP could care for me and my partner around his health.

However, I let that realisation slide. I did not do 'what it takes' to work the program and in a strange way I enjoyed holding on to the old familiar bad feelings of anger and resentment.

I even started to share my fears with my family, something I rarely do these days, as I knew they'd never challenge my thinking and simply reinforce how justified I was in my fear and resentment.

I felt I was just feeling my feelings but it was more complicated than that. I was allowing my disease to take control. So how did I end up in the food?

The simple truth is that it happened when I took the first compulsive bite outside my foodplan. It's ok, it's just an orange I told myself but I knew I was lying. It wasn't ok, I was letting my disease sneak in.

My day looked fairly normal, but I had a few more snacks outside a meal. Still fruit, still lying to myself that it was ok. I ate lunch late, and dinner later. I took an OA call and didn't share how 'shaky' my food was, and feeling like a fraud and dishonest I looked for a large dinner to fill my spiritual hole.

After dinner the fruit was suddenly not enough. I needed sugar, I needed something to make me feel numb. For some insane reason I decided not to ask my HP for help, not to ask another member for support, not to do anything to help myself. I wanted to be in the food.

I am insane. As usual my thinking got me into trouble.

Thankfully today is a new day. I am abstinent today (ok I've only had one meal, breakfast, but it's a start) and I am willing to work my program without any deals.