For all the sponsors I've had - I am grateful..

I have had a physically abstinent day today, but I am binging on anger, resentment and self will.

After a few hours of wallowing in self-pity, and following a call with a sponsee, I am finally willing to do something about my mood. I am currently listening to one of the OA LA virtual speaker's podcasts (available at http://www.oalaig.org/) hoping that I will hear something that I need to hear, something that will help me move on from my anger and resentment.

I was talking to someone about sponsorship last night, after they'd asked if I was available to sponsor, and it reminded me how grateful I am for all the sponsors I've had through my recovery program, in OA and in other fellowships.

I have had such different sponsors, who have worked their programs so differently. I've had sponsors I only spoke to once a week, airing my pain and troubles, clinging to slogans and reading. I've had sponsors I've rung at 6.30am every morning, ringing in my food plan for the day, reporting on yesterday and answering questions. I've talked to my sponsors for hours at a time, I've had sponsors that only really chatted for 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

I've worked the steps using HOW guidelines and HOW questions. I've worked through the Big Book Awakening CDs and workbook. I've worked the Big Book way. I've answered questions from the OA workbook. I'm sure there is hundreds of other tools, sponsors have shared with me, but I can't remember now.

I know I needed all the nuances and little bits of wisdom of all those approaches. I believe in the saying - the teacher arrives when the student is ready. My HP has definitely given me the sponsors I needed, when I needed.

I thank them, and my HP, for their love, time, generosity, support, patience, warmth, honesty, sense of humour, discipline, strength and hope. I've need those qualities and I've need them. That they delivered is another one my life's miracles.

But I do worry that I now have such a confused and mixed approach to sponsoring that I am diluting the message. Are my sponsees getting what they need from me?

I hope so, but I know I have a lot to learn.

Back to that newcomer....
I told them I didn't think I was the best idea for a sponsor for them and ran through my reasons why. By the end of the call they agreed with me. Was I shirking my responsibility, playing God (ie who am I to decide such things) or was I being responsible by talking them through it?

In short, my concerns about being this person's sponsor were:

• I am planning to move countries (heading home - yeah) within the next 6 months, and I think it is important to have your first sponsor for some time. This person is very new to program, so is currently riding that crazy horse of emotions that buck when you put down your drug of choice for the first time. I feel she needs to be loved and supported by someone as long as possible.


• Step 5 requires you have a strong bond of understanding - that takes time, time I don't feel I am able to offer her.


• I am moving to the other side of the world, sponsoring internationally would be tough when the time zones are so different.


• I already have three sponsees, adding a fourth felt too much. Could I genuinely offer the same level of support and input I needed when I first came to program? Would it impact the love and support I am currently able to offer my other sponsees?


• Our communication styles are very different. I'm from a part of the world where directness and harsh words are usual forms of communication. She seems sensitive to harsh words.
  

Today I still feel I did the right thing in airing all my concerns. After all, I did leave the final decision to her - and she seemed to appreciate my honesty. I offered myself as a temporary sponsor, but her resolve seems to be get a sponsor now. She is going to ask someone at tomorrow's meeting. Good for her, that kind of commitment to working the program will be rewarded.

Third step reminder

Someone just shared that the 3rd step could be summarised as 'do as you're told'. I feel like such a resentful angry teenager today that I know that is what I need to hear.

Miraculously, I feel willing to do as I am told.

Tomorrow I will go to my favourite meeting.