Surrender is one of the most basic things I grapple with in my recovery – and like so many things that are crucial – it is one of the hardest things to do.
I can not control my surrender – it is an unconscious event, one where I slowly allow my higher power to take over the handling of my life. I can not simply will myself to let go, and let my HP take control. It just won’t work for me like that.
Surrender almost seems like the wrong thing for me to do. I spent many years before recovery trying to learn to control everything to control my food. I tried to practise more willpower in what I ate. I read every book I could get my hands on about being thin. I tried to practise affirmations to let the universe know what I wanted my life to look like, telling it I wanted to be thin and to be able to eat what I wanted. I tried to pray to my god to ask him to make my life the way I wanted.
But these things didn’t work, all these things just made me eat more because I can not control my compulsive overeating. I am powerless over my eating.
What I can control is the footwork I do. In going to meetings, working with a sponsor, reading OA literature and writing out my feelings I am making sure I am doing everything to get me ready for my surrender. These things make me teachable, open me to living my life differently and to living my HP’s will, not mine.
My surrender to my obsession with food is often very close to being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I seem to judge myself for that, even though I know that it should be enough. I have this little fantasy that surrender is something I can do graciously as an act of faith, a bit like the dali lama and his belief in peaceful resistance, something that I simply do each day, and then don’t think about again
The reality is so much uglier. I kick and scream in my surrender, pushing the boundaries of what I can eat, pushing the boundaries of what I think I should have the courage to change. Each morning I surrender to food, I surrender to my fear, I surrender to my relationship problems and then 30 minutes later when I feel a twitch of discomfort in feelings, or simply see something I can no longer eat, and then I take back my powerless. I decide I am in control again. I begin to push those boundaries again, to feel in control. Luckily I can surrender hundreds of times a day.
And sometimes I have to fake it until I make it. I just give up fighting, and that feel close enough to surrender for me. Then slowly, as I let my HP take over my life, it does move to a more gracious and loving space. I know that in loving myself I need to hand all that I am powerless over to my HP.
I also struggle with universally surrendering my life to my HP. Most days I am happy to hand over my food to my HP, and therefore can do that in faith. I recite my little Step 3 pray each morning, telling my HP what it means to be surrendering to my food. Normally it goes along the lines of I am a compulsive over eater, I am powerless over my food. That means I surrender my food to you by having three meals today, nothing in between and no foods that are on my binge lists. Having done this and relieved myself of my food worries, I might immediately be worrying about other things beyond my control, money, my job, my security but I will be unable to hand these to my HP.
To truly surrender my life to my HP, I can not pick and chose which parts of my life. MY HP is control of everything. Luckily I can surrender my life one part of a time.
I can not control my surrender – it is an unconscious event, one where I slowly allow my higher power to take over the handling of my life. I can not simply will myself to let go, and let my HP take control. It just won’t work for me like that.
Surrender almost seems like the wrong thing for me to do. I spent many years before recovery trying to learn to control everything to control my food. I tried to practise more willpower in what I ate. I read every book I could get my hands on about being thin. I tried to practise affirmations to let the universe know what I wanted my life to look like, telling it I wanted to be thin and to be able to eat what I wanted. I tried to pray to my god to ask him to make my life the way I wanted.
But these things didn’t work, all these things just made me eat more because I can not control my compulsive overeating. I am powerless over my eating.
What I can control is the footwork I do. In going to meetings, working with a sponsor, reading OA literature and writing out my feelings I am making sure I am doing everything to get me ready for my surrender. These things make me teachable, open me to living my life differently and to living my HP’s will, not mine.
My surrender to my obsession with food is often very close to being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I seem to judge myself for that, even though I know that it should be enough. I have this little fantasy that surrender is something I can do graciously as an act of faith, a bit like the dali lama and his belief in peaceful resistance, something that I simply do each day, and then don’t think about again
The reality is so much uglier. I kick and scream in my surrender, pushing the boundaries of what I can eat, pushing the boundaries of what I think I should have the courage to change. Each morning I surrender to food, I surrender to my fear, I surrender to my relationship problems and then 30 minutes later when I feel a twitch of discomfort in feelings, or simply see something I can no longer eat, and then I take back my powerless. I decide I am in control again. I begin to push those boundaries again, to feel in control. Luckily I can surrender hundreds of times a day.
And sometimes I have to fake it until I make it. I just give up fighting, and that feel close enough to surrender for me. Then slowly, as I let my HP take over my life, it does move to a more gracious and loving space. I know that in loving myself I need to hand all that I am powerless over to my HP.
I also struggle with universally surrendering my life to my HP. Most days I am happy to hand over my food to my HP, and therefore can do that in faith. I recite my little Step 3 pray each morning, telling my HP what it means to be surrendering to my food. Normally it goes along the lines of I am a compulsive over eater, I am powerless over my food. That means I surrender my food to you by having three meals today, nothing in between and no foods that are on my binge lists. Having done this and relieved myself of my food worries, I might immediately be worrying about other things beyond my control, money, my job, my security but I will be unable to hand these to my HP.
To truly surrender my life to my HP, I can not pick and chose which parts of my life. MY HP is control of everything. Luckily I can surrender my life one part of a time.
jj
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