At this morning's meetings someone described OA as the program of many chances. That simple sentence encapsulates so many things I love about the program I work - especially now I'm a long timer. An imperfect, struggling long timer.
After a period of less meetings, less willingness and more shiny food over the festive and holiday season my food is rough. This week I'm eating more at meals. I've eaten food outside of meals. I've eaten food recreationally and to numb my feelings. I thought about not going to my normal meetings. All things I can use to labor myself as a failure, use as excuses to hit the 'fuck it' button and dive head in to compulsive overeating, and not emerge for many months and many kilos later.
But I know if I start to take action and work a program it will soon be better. I don't have to be willing. I don't have to be willing to be willing. I just need to start doing something for my recovery and pretty soon things get easier. Going to meetings becoms a privilege I guard protectively. Extra food at meals doesn't call me. I don't think about food between meals. My feelings are embraced.
Yesterday I spoke to my sponsor. She reminded me I had all the self awareness, tools and understanding of program I needed and that she had nothing new to teach me. You just need to take the action she reminded me.
I am so grateful I know that as a truth. I see that even though I have many stumbles and my weight is still higher than it should be, OA always provides me with a chance for a better life. This hope has been one of the most amazing gifts. Hope keeps me alive and growing. Hope keeps me coming back.
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