Learning the lessons of slipping and sliding

2012 has been a year of growth - well that's the kind of thing I tell myself when I reflect on the pain of the year.  Pain equals growth right?  Well I am not sure what it means for most people, but for me much of my personal and emotional growth in my life has come at the time of extreme pain.

Here's hoping there is a reason for the recent pain.  I can't see that reason at the moment, but maybe I can be open to learning the lessons of slipping and sliding.  After a period of freedom from the food, once again I am trying to see how far I can push my food boundaries and I seem to be asking myself nothing but questions.  Can I eat this early, can I have a snack, is this sugar-free sweet really on my black list, is anyone noticing how fast I am eating?  Sometimes the answer is disappointing as behaviours like these are always a sign that I am in trouble.

So what is happening, what are some of the lessons I am learning at the moment?

• I can not control others and often my attempts to control others just makes everything worse
• Sitting with my feelings continues to be very difficult and I will grab for anything to make a feeling go away - food, TV, compulsive picking, judgement, gossip
• Gossip costs me my peace of mind and leaves me feeling guilty and ashamed
• I need to be even more vigilant around my food boundaries when I am hormonal as my body gets confused by the messages
• When I keep masking my true feelings with food and other compulsive behaviour I can eventually loose contact with them and genuinely not know what I am emotional about.  Writing can help me clear the blocks to my feelings.  Sharing at meetings and with a sponsor can work even better.
• If I push my 'physical' boundaries I can trigger the physical reaction of compulsion
• My body doesn't know the difference between sugar and artificial sugar (a lesson I need to learn over and over)
• Any food outside a planned meal, no matter how healthy, can trigger a physical compulsion
• I am uncomfortable with how I look at the moment
• I have slipped into isolation in program, not calling others enough including my sponsor
• I need at least 3 meetings a week to be sane and happy
• I need to have an action plan to support me to be sane and in my current job
• Resentment, especially and other people's journey with food and their body, is poison
• If I am sneak eating, especially hiding food from my partner, I am eating something I shouldn't be
• My life is currently unmanageable
• I need to resume doing daily Step 10s

Most of all, and as usual, I am learning that my thinking gets me into trouble.  When in doubt I need to stop  thinking, ask for help and hand it over to my HP.

the blue lining in my difficult year - growth