The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Big Book

The last few weeks I have understood something was very wrong, but haven't been clear exactly what it is.  Slowly I am coming to understand that I am very unhappy with my body.  It seemed too large a confession to make to myself - my self-deceit was letting me ignore the state of my recovery.

I had been acting out in old 'hiding' behaviour - not shopping for clothes, avoiding mirrors as much as possible and not grooming as much as usual.  I haven't been swimming much this summer even though I love it.  I have been wearing black as my primary outfit colour and rarely wearing dresses or shorts.

In refusing to face my unhappiness, I have allowed myself to stay stuck in the disease.  I have been allowing myself to eat more food than my body needs.  My disease has changed these days, and it is no longer acts out in big binges.  I now have a sneakier more subtle disease that my self-deception allows to run rampant.

I am asking my HP for help in accepting my body and my unhappiness.  I am asking my HP for willingness and courage to work the program and the steps to fight my disease. I deserve to do what it takes to fight my disease - including working a food plan that works for my body.