I am always trying to see what I can 'get away with' around my food and today I have seen the consequences of that type of behaviour. In the last week I have been indulging in sugar-free alternatives of some of my binge foods. The reality is, that even though there is no processed sugar in them, the sugar-like substances that are in them react in my brain the same way sugar foods do. Essentiall my brain doesn't know the difference between sugar and sugar replacements and now I am obsessing about food that I binge on. I momentarily forgot how important my abstinence, and therefore my sanity, is.
Thanks to my HP I haven't acted on it, but I came close. At a family luncheon I accepted a chocolate with a coffee, but thankfully my HP stepped in and I didn't eat it. It really wasn't my will not to eat it - so I know my HP is with me today.
I know from experience that these foods don't work for me so why did I push it? Intellectually I don't really know the answer, but spiritually I know it is because I am an addict, that I was looking to food for spiritual nourishment instead of from my HP. The words 'sugar-free' seemed to be safe. They obviously are not - after one treat last week, I have found ways to have these treats in my food plan three times this week.
Today, thanks to program and a usually good relationship with my HP, I can forgive myself for such behaviour, but I also know I need to take responsibibility for it. I need to acknowledge and accept I am allergic to sugar based foods - even if they contain sugar alternatives. I am powerless over such foods, my life is unmanageable and stressful (with all those thoughts of food swirling through my brain) if I do not accept this powerlessness.
I am grateful that my HP rescued me today and I am now willing to put in the ground-work and abstain from compulsive eating, including sugar-free treats.
"Allergic to sugar based foods" - I hear ya.
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