Am I being vigorously honest?

Before program, I believed that I was totally honest. I often described myself as brutally honest, thinking the label was something to be proud of, something other’s would aspire to be. Slowly, after many Step 4s, mini Step 4s and Step 10s I realise I was just brutal, judging others and myself by some warped list of perfection. I thought it was up to me to tell everybody what they were doing wrong in their lives, tell them that if they only did x and behaved life y their lives would be great.

Now I try to remember that many comments are just none of my business, that I need to focus on myself and how I am behaving, not other people. The honesty I thought I naturally possessed was an illusion. In trying to manipulate everyone and everything in my world, trying to get my way (no matter how small) saw me deceive myself time and time again.



I have to work hard to have any clarity in my thinking about my behaviour and my actions. I do that through working my program, which seems harder to do the longer I am in program. My diseased head tells me I have done all the work, that all my years in program mean I am now clear thinking and honest. Sadly that isn’t true. Without vigilance I quickly slip into dishonesty, resentment and fear and I act out in ways I find embarrassing. Dishonesty appears to be my default setting, and only working the program to I get to reset my behaviour.



Listening at meetings helps me to confront what is really going on for me, writing clarifies my thoughts and feelings. Most of all working with others, as a sponsor and a sponsee, constantly reflects to me what it means to be a compulsive overeater and compulsive in my thoughts. Step work, especially Step 10 shows me my behaviour every day.



Sadly I am not doing this to the best of my ability. I am using a new job and long hours as an excuse not to work my program to the best of my ability – I’ve even stopped writing my food plan, which experience shows me will eventually lead me to extra food each meal. If I think I can get away with some extra food (after all I hadn’t specifically committed it) I will. A written food plan helps me to confront my dishonesty around whether I am full.



I don’t have a sponsor or a sponsee at the moment, even though I know my life runs better if I work with one. I am not even writing I am available to sponsor in the meeting book. I am not doing formal step 10s each night, just doing quick run throughs in my head even though I know that is not good enough. And worst of all I am not getting to enough meetings, which keeps me isolated and in my disease. I am not leaving enough time to talk to my HP, to ask for his help.



I know that my honesty is nothing like the vigorous honesty I need to keep me sane and emotionally well.



Which all means I need to get myself to a meeting this morning, no matter what.