Fear leads me to my greatest defects

I know I can’t eliminate fear from my life, or at least my head knows it, but my heart pines for a life that is fear of the devastating effects of fear on my life. I know my unnatural urge to do life numb is a symptom of my dis-ease, my addictive nature, but I still fantasise about doing life without the lows.

Fear sees me behave my worst, fear leads me to my greatest defects. This week, once again I have been facing fear around money and my relationship. A lifetime of relationships with addicts, including myself, has resulted in mixed up and unhealthy feelings around managing money and accepting other people's relationship with money.

In my fear I quickly switch to anger, often about things that have nothing to do with me. It happens so quickly that there is so little time to catch myself, to catch my lack of faith and to exercise my courage.

My anger is inappropriate and uncontrollable. I become controlling, manipulative and abusive. I yelled, I shamed my partner, belittled him and left him feeling less than and worthless. I over -reacted and behaved life something had been 'done' to me. I was yelling about something that was honestly none of my business. I forget the boundary between my life, me, and my husband's life and him. I was abusive.

I hate facing my abusive side. I hate hurting someone I love. I hate the hangover I am left with after I have binged with anger. I hate being so out of touch with my HPs will for me. I hate that loss of faith that I mostly live with. In that moment of fear I forget that my HP is looking after me, that he wants the best for me. I have always been looked after financially, or I have been able to look after myself financially, so why do I feel so unsafe. I could tell you hundreds of stories from my past that would justify this behaviour - but the truth is they are a long way from my past. My current life does not show me any reason to be so fearful around money.

I know I am powerless over this fear, so HP please remove this defect. Or at least let the fear come over me a little slower, let me have some space to catch my fear and hit it away with my courage. HP, I am ready to let it go. Fear no longer works for me, there is nothing I need to protect myself from any more. I am ready to do life without this fear. I am ready to be grateful for what I have rather than fearful of what I can lose.

I am grateful for all the gifts and miracles I have received in my life. In being grateful for these gifts, I can start to let go of the fear around money.

I am ready & willing to do life differently.