I loved this meat sign... I can't help feeling I am not doing 'whatever it takes' to get well. At last night's OA meeting I had to read the preamble to the meeting, the Chapter 5 extract from the Big Book. I was struck by the lines ... 'As a result of practising the steps, the symptoms of compulsive overeating is removed on a daily basis, achieved through the process of surrendering to something greater than ourselves. The more total our surrender, the more fully realised our freedom from food obsession.'
When I allow myself to see myself honestly these days, I see that the quality of my surrender isn't great. It almost feels like I am playing with surrender, that I am playing out some negotiation or deal with God - it's like I say ok God, I'll do this and this and then you promise me I can have the rest of the food I want. I know I am still living my will, not God's will.
Today my food was fine. Yesterday my food was fine. Fine, not great.
Sunday my food was average. I completely pushed my boundaries around food, trying to force my will onto my day's eating. I suffered for it on Monday, my brain was fuzzy, I craved more food than I normally eat. I craved foods I normally do not eat. I felt fat and was looking for reassurance from others that I was ok, that I was enough. I didn't have enough energy to do what I needed to do. Only by God's will I did not really overeat.
That's not the kind of life I want. I want to stop with this playing around at the moment, I want to improve the quality of my surrender.
I am not sure what to do. My resistance is there. I don't want to to do a 90 meetings in 90 days, as here I'd have to take in AA meetings and I am not sure I'd get the identification I am looking for but I think I need to do something for 90 days. Maybe it's daily questions, or a daily writing exercise. I know 90 is a magic number for me, like it is for others and it has worked for me in the past.
When I allow myself to see myself honestly these days, I see that the quality of my surrender isn't great. It almost feels like I am playing with surrender, that I am playing out some negotiation or deal with God - it's like I say ok God, I'll do this and this and then you promise me I can have the rest of the food I want. I know I am still living my will, not God's will.
Today my food was fine. Yesterday my food was fine. Fine, not great.
Sunday my food was average. I completely pushed my boundaries around food, trying to force my will onto my day's eating. I suffered for it on Monday, my brain was fuzzy, I craved more food than I normally eat. I craved foods I normally do not eat. I felt fat and was looking for reassurance from others that I was ok, that I was enough. I didn't have enough energy to do what I needed to do. Only by God's will I did not really overeat.
That's not the kind of life I want. I want to stop with this playing around at the moment, I want to improve the quality of my surrender.
I am not sure what to do. My resistance is there. I don't want to to do a 90 meetings in 90 days, as here I'd have to take in AA meetings and I am not sure I'd get the identification I am looking for but I think I need to do something for 90 days. Maybe it's daily questions, or a daily writing exercise. I know 90 is a magic number for me, like it is for others and it has worked for me in the past.
Any ideas?
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