Feeling the fear

I'm surrounded by beauty today, loveliness like these blooms I snapped this morning with even lovelier blue skies behind them. God I miss the blue skies of Sydney. I am struggling to stay in touch with reality today, to do the next right thing, to take care of myself the way I need to, to simply enjoy the beauty around me. I am looking for something to numb my feelings, and I don't want that to be food.

Last night I ate outside my food plan, food that is on my amber list. I am only able to eat food like that when I am tracking well, not when I am struggling like today. It is dangerous territory, even more doing it outside meal time, and it is a sign I need to take some action.

Instead of eating I need to be feeling my feelings. There is a lot of the them inside me today - fear, sorrow, hope, frustration, boredom, anxiety, shame, and faith. Such a mix, such a recipe for tears. I have been letting tears flow a lot at the moment, especially watching TV or reading the paper. My partner has taken to waking with the words 'what's wrong now'. It is said with a little more love than the words themselves indicate, but he is definitely frustrated by the ease at which I am crying at the moment, the way I am torturing myself with my thoughts.

I seem to be consumed by my fears at the moment, fears that lead me to anxiety and shame. I am most afraid for my partner, his health and what that means for our future. I am selfishly worrying about myself; how I'll cope long term with a chronically ill partner, how we'll manage financially, what is right for us living wise, whether his health will mean he will be denied a visa to live in my country. I am ashamed of how little thought I am giving to my partner and how scared he must be. Living in Australia has been a very long held dream - not being able to achieve it will be a big blow.

I am unsure what I will do with the rest of my life if I can't live at home. I am unsure if I will be able to stay in this country after November, when my current visa expires. I am too afraid to explore my options living here until we have our answer about my partner - I am anxious not to jinx ourselves, that in just sticking to the one plan I am showing the universe I am 100% committed to a life with my partner in Australia.

I am so afraid as to how we'll react to a decline in his visa application, how we'll pull ourselves together and build a future. I know my partner will feel responsible for everything, his illness which was ultimately caused by addict behaviour, my happiness (or lack of it) and our financial situation. Will this have a negative impact on our relationship?

I need to have more faith, I know. My HP has always given me the best, even when I couldn't recognise it at the time. I need to believe that I will be looked after. I need to have more faith and trust in my relationship - any challenges we have faced in the past have made us stronger, made us better as a couple. Why would this challenge be any different?

I will continue to take action to feel my feelings today - this blog entry was a great start. I have asked my HP for help - this one is definitely beyond me. I commit to only eating at meal times for the rest of the day (only one meal left) and only abstinent food.

I can feel my heart making room for hope - I have faith that my HP will look after me.