Weight

I’m putting on weight. It’s very slowly, but enough for me to notice, and for my partner to notice. I’ve started talking critically about my body, something I haven’t done for a while. I even caught myself staring into the mirror and calling myself fat.

I’m checking my body against my clothes, pulling at my fat, everything to check that it is true I am putting on weight. I can’t weigh myself as that sends me even further into the food, but I know it is true. As I made one more comment about it last night my partner quietly asked me why, why are you putting on weight?

That’s a good question. I’m struggling to really understand it myself. There has been no binges, there has been no eating of foods on my black list. It has just been a slow slide into bigger servings, with less exercise.

It’s a simple equation; more fuel into my body, less use of that fuel equals bigger reserves. Yesterday I heard about an old Scottish science experiment where they didn’t let an obese man eat until he’d used up all his body fat, all he was allowed to swallow was vitamins and water. He lasted over a year with no food. I’m sure I could last at least three months without food, so why is it that every time there is a plate of food in front of me my first thought is it’s not enough. I know my disease is a disease of not enough, but even after all these years of living with it I find it difficult to accept the reality of it.

I need to ignore my instincts around food – I can not trust myself when it comes to portion size. If I am prepared, with a written food plan, I can challenge these disease thoughts.

I spoke to my sponsor about my weight last night during our scheduled call. She agreed it was time to look at what I’m doing with my food and why it isn’t working for me.

Not only have I lost sight of my ‘moderate’ portion size learnt after a period of weighing and measuring, but the types of foods I eat have been distorted by my husband’s food preference. I’ve let too many carbohydrates creep into our diet, and have not been cooking enough green and healthy food.

I need to focus on my food. Yes I need to accommodate my husband and his tastes, but he does not have a food problem and can snack if he does not like what we have for dinner. I don’t have that luxury, so my food requirements need to come first.

The action I need to take to improve my food plan.
Hand my weight over to my higher power – the footwork is mine, but the weight is his to look after
· Improve my shopping to include more greens and less ‘comfort’ foods
· Measure my servings – primarily using spoon servings
· When I want to eat more – or have that extra piece of fruit ask myself what is this food doing for me that I can not do for myself. If it is comfort, I need to ask myself how can I comfort myself. If it is entertainment, what can I do to alleviate the boredom. If it is to numb myself, what is it that I am avoiding and what steps can I take to
· Have a firmer food plan. For too long I’ve allowed myself to just have a general food plan of 3 meals a day, nothing in between and avoiding my black foods. When I first got abstinent I had a much firmer food plan than that. I knew exactly what I was eating at each meal. I will write my food plan down each day before I eat anything, listing portion sizes

Weight isn’t everything, but it is the barometer of how honestly I am working the program, of what is going on for me and it is what keeps me turning up to program.