Today I have been feeling like a fraud in program, I haven’t been to a meeting since Christmas, I have been slipping and sliding a lot with the food, letting myself have snacks as some sort of compensation for no sugar (like that is a punishment rather than the gift it is), and I am forgetting to be grateful for all I have. All this has left me feeling emotional and a little lost to be honest.
Looking for inspiration, I was re-reading some old writing of my own and came across this ‘Fake it until you make it. Behave as if I’m already patient, or brave, or powerful and see what happens…’. It seems to be the challenge I need today. What can I achieve if I just fake it?
Can I feel closer to my recovery by simply faking that I am? I will forever be grateful that all I need to be a part of my fellowship is a willingness to recover – and thank God I always seem to have a slither of that willingness, no matter how resentful, lazy or foggy I feel, I am willing to recover in some way. That willingness just keeps arriving – it is one of the things I am most grateful for and the thing I don’t have to fake.
Today faking is enough – I can fake my gratefulness by listing all I have to be grateful for, I can feel like I am living program by calling others including my sponsor, I can commit to my food plan now and eat abstinently and let my feelings flow honestly.
I am going to a meeting tomorrow – so what I have in program today is enough. I am enough.
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