Before You Take That First Compulsive Bite

Insane. Who me?

2012-02-19T04:25:00.000Z

I am starting to look at Step 2 of this journey of recovery, and as part of that process I am questioning whether I am 'suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer' (BB 44). Is it true that I have behaved in insane ways and that only a higher power can return me to sanity? Life has shown me over and over again that in some areas of my life I am insane, and can only be helped by a higher power. Nothing I can do, say or learn can return me to sanity.

The ways I have acted insanely include:

• Blaming my weight on my genes, metabolism, problems – allowed myself not to face my compulsive overeating. Keep thinking that if only I was thin I would be happy.

• Pretending I was somebody else so I didn’t have to confront my coe. Pretended I didn’t like the beach, swimming, outdoor activity or playing sport.
• I wore/wear black clothes as much as possible in the mistaken belief it hid my weight. Wore long sleeves in the hottest of weather and convinced myself i wasn’t hot.
• Isolating and limiting my social life because of food and how I felt about myself.
• I was ‘driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity ‘(Pg 62 BB). I was afraid of never being good enough or loveable enough to be happy. I believed I had it all under control if people would just do it my way, that my way of living was the only way – despite my issues with my food.
• Got involved with unavailable and inappropriate men because I felt unloveable and unattractive. Chose men on the basis they reflected well on me physically and then accused them of being shallow and believed a lot of issues came from my weight not my behaviour.
• Blamed the world for not making me happy. Gossiped, bitched and moaned.
• Disconnected from my higher power – and tried to live on self will. Pushed and pushed in areas I felt I ‘had to’ control.
• Kept having conflict with people, places and things.
• Kept pushing and working and things (and relationships) despite all the signs that it was not working.
• Acted over-responsibly, assumed I could fix everything. Did for others what they needed to do for themselves with the expectation they’d look after me back. I have focussed on other people’s problems rather than face I had my own.
• I have eaten food when I was not hungry, when it hurt to eat more, when eating more food made me feel sick and vomit. I have eaten food that was not cooked properly, stale or off. I have eaten food to sate my pain and emotions. I have eaten food I am allergic too. I have eaten food to shift my mood and have altered my hormonal balance.
• I kept eating food that made me compulsive and promising myself to just have one.
• I have lied about what I have eaten; to myself and others.
• I keep turning to food to ease the pain of excess weight.
• I spent money on therapists and counsellors to solve my weight issues.
• I damage and maim my body including compulsively picking and touching my skin.
• I get excessively busy – at work and in my private life – and leave no time for feeling my feelings.
• I often do the same things over and over again but expect the outcome to be different.

My higher power is definitely louder when I am quieter

2012-02-10T06:47:00.000Z

I have been on a lovely break away with family, to a break in nature with no modern world distractions such as phones (I love going to places with no coverage), computers or TVs. Really getting away like this has long been the best medicine for me. Nature forces me to be quieter, it gives me delights and adventures that shows me I can not be in control of everything. I notice that in nature I am more my true self, not the person I think I should be. In my quietness I start to listen to my HP. I hear the messages I have been ignoring. I remember I am not in charge. I remember I am powerless.

Willingness

2012-01-30T20:39:00.000Z

Where does willingness come from? On my good days willingness is a sign from my HP that he or she exists. Life continues to show me that I can't have willingness simply because I want it. When I am in my will alone, no matter what I try and manipulate, the willingness will not arrive. Unless it is God's will. Today I am grateful for the willingness that has arrived, and was desperately needed. I see That I did the ground work and then handed it over to my HP. And then I was looked after.

I am also grateful for my imperfect parents today, after watching someone else deal with her family. My parents may not have been perfect but they loved me and took care of me to the best of their ability. I am grateful for all the lessons they taught me and all the love they shared with me.

Desperation Prayer

2012-01-19T02:21:00.002Z

Someone shared with me their desperation prayer this week - 'God I'm f**ked re x, please help me'. It really made me laugh as I can really identify with the sentiment and the need. I think it is a very effective prayer and have added it to my repertoire.

How my life is unmanageable because of the food

2012-01-16T09:13:00.002Z

I get emotional hang overs from the food
I get mood swings from food
I am unable to manage my emotions when I am in the food
My life is organised around food
I stress when shopping, I struggle to find clothes that suit my size and shape and I hate looking at myself in the mirror of dressing rooms
Impacts my sex drive
I abandon activities that show my body, even if they are things I love - going to the the beach, swimming, dressing up
Time and money wasted on food
I spend days in bed due to physical reaction from foods
I think people are judging me because of what I look like, which sometimes allows me to avoid taking responsibility for my behaviour (ie I believe it is not what I did/or didn't say or do but what I look like)
Unmanageability around spending money I don't have
Unmanageability around friends - I can isolate
Issues with my body - weight, size, back, cellulite

2012-01-16T09:02:00.002Z

Why I am convinced I belong in OA

No where else works - no diets, no diet clubs, counting calories, not counsellors or psychologists, not keep a food diary
I have food issues beyond my weight - I can't stop after the first compulsive bite, especially outside of meal times
My relationship to food goes beyond my physical needs, I use it as a crutch spiritually and emotionally
I have a proven history that it works for me when I admit my powerlessness and work my program

This is what Step One looks like

2012-01-11T10:07:00.002Z

Step One is where I get to admit I am powerless over
food and that my life is unamanageable.

Today, I celebrate the freedom my powerlessness
gives me and the blessings of being an over-eater.

In knowing and identifying my disease, I can surrender
and hand it all over to my HP to take care of.

I know I am powerless over food because:

I have a physical reaction to food I am allergic to, espeically sugar, sugar and flour and sugar alternatives such as palm sugar. These reactions include:

Being unable to stop after the first bite; portion; plateful
Migraines
Severe sinus
Eczema
Acne
Excessive and rapid mood swings
Depression
Physical cravings
Excess weight

I can not limit my food intake by dieting
I can not eat moderately or sanely outside of meals - snacking always leads to compulsive overeating. I can only eat manageably within the structure of abstinence
My relationship to my food is beyond physical - it is a crutch spiritually and emotionally
I physically react to 'sugar-free' foods as if they were sugar products. My body can not tell the difference between artificial sweetners and sugar, and therefore has the same physical reaction
I am often secretive about my eating, not wanting others to see me eat, see what I am eating or share what I am eating
I am often unable to eat slowly
I often have poor judgment around portion/ meal size.
My first reaction to a plateful of food is often 'it's not enough' and I become fearful that I will be hungry. I often finish eating my meal and my first thought is I am hungry, that wasn't enough
I have significant fear of being hungry
I will eat food even when I am not hungry. I will eat food I don't like. If I do not like a meal, I feel grief that I didn't get the meal I wanted
I am constantly watching what others are eating, aware of their portions and food types
I experience jealously at what other's can eat
I can be a 'feeder' offering sweets and cooking treats for others

My will is in the way

2012-01-11T08:53:00.001Z

I am currently working through Step-One (for the upteenth time - but it takes how many it takes!) and the thing that is coming through really clearly is that I am totally expecting my will to get me through life. I somehow have gone back to the old thinking of 'if it is to be, it is up to me'. I seem closed to the idea that I am powerless over people, places and things. In reality, all I am responsible for is the groundwork and the rest is up to my HP.

If it is to be, then it is up to my HP.

I am trying to remind myself that it is ok, I don't need to race ahead to Step 3 and instantly hand my will over to my HP, but I do need to observe the problems at hand. I need to experience the pain of not living life on life's terms. Today, I know I am in self-will because:

I am irritable and discontent
I am blaming others for everything, and not looking for my part in any conflict
I am letting everyone know I am not happy
I am procrastinating at work
I am avoiding taking care of myself, and instead focussing on what everybody else needs to do to make my life manageable
I am struggling to be truley grateful for my life - I know I have a lot to be grateful, but I can not get in touch with the feelings of gratitude I have previously felt
I am not being open to suggestions from others (other people are often the messengers of my HPs' will
I am not letting go of the excess in my life - my wardrobe needs a cull as a starting point

In essence, my will is getting in the way of me living a life that is joyous and free.

I know that I can not know or understand what lays ahead for me, but that it will be ok. I don't have to get everything I want to be happy. If I just 'let go' of all my control, my HP can start looking after me and I will be ok.

HP help me find a way to get out of the way of your will for me.

2012-01-10T18:16:00.002Z

Denial no longer needed here

2012-01-09T09:31:00.001Z

Denial my old friend it is time we went our separate ways, we are not good for each other. You are my toxic friend of childhood that I just can't shake off. I didn't realize how miserable you have been making me and how much you've been holding me down. I am shocked, and a little ashamed, of how unmanageable things have become for me physically.

Why have I been refusing to look at these things? I guess my disease didn't want me to take action - I am not a bad person, I am simply in my disease. I need to face the ways I am unmanageable physically:

I am uncomfortable in my body - I can't find a comfortable sitting position nor cross my legs comfortably
I have cellulite all over my body, including my arms
My legs rub together when I walk
Walking is getting harder and harder - it is easier for me to find the excuse not to exercise than battle through the discomfort of it
Finding pants to wear that fit me is becoming impossible in the 'standard' sizes
I am avoiding mirrors
I am not shopping for clothes even though I desperately need new outfits
My clothes are tight and there are clothes in my cupboard that no longer fit me
My doctor had trouble taking my blood pressure because of my arm size
I am surpressing my sexuality as I am ashamed and not present in my body
I am not 'grooming' as much as normal as I am feeling unattractive
I am not going to the beach, swimming or wearing 'summer' clothes in front of others
Photographs from Christmas of my legs are shocking me
I am losing flexibility in my body
My skin is irritable

HP help me to accept where I am today so I can address my disease in healthy and loving ways. I have to accept myself before I can take action. HP grant me the courage to do the things I can.

Starting at the beginning - gratitude

2012-01-09T09:11:00.000Z

I am grateful for my HP and a program to work, especially in times of pain
I am grateful for my husband and his commitment to living a life in program
I am grateful I can say sorry and make amends
I am grateful for sunny days and how they improve my mood
I am grateful for friends and the gifts and lessons they bring me
I am grateful for credit cards and the freedom they can bring me
I am grateful for my job, and the security it brings my family
I am grateful for my pain and how it motivates me to make my life better

2012-01-09T08:48:00.000Z

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Big Book

The last few weeks I have understood something was very wrong, but haven't been clear exactly what it is. Slowly I am coming to understand that I am very unhappy with my body. It seemed too large a confession to make to myself - my self-deceit was letting me ignore the state of my recovery.

I had been acting out in old 'hiding' behaviour - not shopping for clothes, avoiding mirrors as much as possible and not grooming as much as usual. I haven't been swimming much this summer even though I love it. I have been wearing black as my primary outfit colour and rarely wearing dresses or shorts.

In refusing to face my unhappiness, I have allowed myself to stay stuck in the disease. I have been allowing myself to eat more food than my body needs. My disease has changed these days, and it is no longer acts out in big binges. I now have a sneakier more subtle disease that my self-deception allows to run rampant.

I am asking my HP for help in accepting my body and my unhappiness. I am asking my HP for willingness and courage to work the program and the steps to fight my disease. I deserve to do what it takes to fight my disease - including working a food plan that works for my body.

Where did the year go?

2012-01-06T01:02:00.001Z

2011 flashed by - it was a big year with a new job, a major injury/illness for my husband and financial struggles that arrived with his illness/injury. Somehow, too focused on these things I let the important things slip - most of all my recovery.

I went to less meetings, didn't work with a sponsor and did the smallest amount of step work. I overate and pretended I was in control of everything.

Here I arrive back at my blog, bashful to be here like the long lost friend who is ashamed of the long-ago un-returned call.

I am sorry I let the year slip away from me. I am sorry I lost sight of what was important and what I needed. I am sorry I didn't make my recovery my priority.

I see that I have paid the price for my mistakes. I met a girlfriend (in a 12-step program but not the same one as me) last night and saw the shock in her eyes when she greeted me. I am carrying at least two dress-sizes of excess weight, I am not paying attention to my appearance and my body is rigid and stiff from lack of exercise. She was more challenged by my attitude as I regaled her with stories of anger and resentment. She asked me to go home and pray, to pray for myself and others I am struggling with. She asked me to look at what I need to do to live the life I say I want.

Food is my HP once again. It is time to surrender and admit my powerlessness over food.

I am declaring 2012 a recovery year. A year to focus on what I need to take care of me. I need to work the tools of the program and that includes writing. Getting the junk out of my head helps me. Speaking to others and listening to their powerlessness over food reminds me what I need to do with food. Reconfirming my commitment to program reminds me I am important and that my disease is serious.

Welcome 2012, welcome my year of recovery.

Returning to the attitude of gratitue

2011-01-05T10:26:00.000Z

I am grateful for my apartment and the decorating my husband has recently done, it looks and feels lovely
I am grateful for my camera, expressing myself through the lens is my favourite release
I am grateful for my planned camping weekend in 3 weeks times as it is giving me something lovely to think about while I settle back into work
I am grateful for the lovely Xmas holiday I just had - lots of lovely time with family and friends
I am grateful for my HP and the life he gives me
I am grateful for my husband - he is not just the man I want, but the man I need (thanks for knowing that HP)
I am grateful for the new life that surrounds me and reminds me what is important
I am grateful for my sponsor and the focus on really working a program
I am grateful for the freedom of summer in Australia which makes adventures easier and summer foods that make abstinent food so inviting

Just do it....

2011-01-05T10:00:00.000Z

So much to be grateful for - living in a beautiful city for one.

I have a great sponsor at the moment, she has a lovely approach to program and has great recovery. Even more importantly she expects me to work the program, to really work it and not just talk about it. And God, do I need that at the moment.

My problem seems to be now that I have been around too long (who knew I'd ever become an old-timer) and that my disease uses that to attack me, to allow itself to run riot. I now know exactly what my disease looks like and what I need to do to combat it but with some insane (diseased) logic I don't always see that I need to just get in and work the work. This isn't a program of understanding, it is a program of doing. To be honest, the power of the program is truely beyond my understanding - the great miracle of my life.

Working the program isn't as simple as I can make it sound.

Meetings are not enough. They are a fabulous place for me to go and id and uncover what I am feeling, but this is not a 12 meeting program. Having a sponsor and sharing with them daily helps me stay sane and challenges my diseased behaviour but that alone won't keep me abstinent. A food plan is important, but not without an acceptance of my powerlessness over (insert label), a belief in a higher power and a attitude of gratitude.

I need to just get in and work my program like I know I need to - I am a high maintenance girl. Unlike some other women I don't make myself beautiful by going to the beauticians, hairdressers, nail artists etc. I can only make myself beautiful (sane) by working my program to the best of my ability - go to meetings, work with a sponsor, work with sponsees, do step work (I am currently doing a step 4 that feels so boring... surely I don't have to trawl through my resentments again so soon), have a food plan and continue to work on my relationship with my higher power.

Work it girl... as I am worth it. After all those promises are mine for the taking.

Acceptance is my answer

2010-08-27T11:10:00.000+01:00

Acceptance as read in Alcoholics Anonymous p. 449 (p. 417 in 4th edition)

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

I am struggling with acceptance, especially around myself and my failings but I know acceptance is the answer to all my problems.

I am grateful

2010-08-19T11:13:00.000+01:00

This week I have found a new willingness and openness to work my program, and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that:

I have people in my life that inspire me and support me
I have been granted some openness to learn new things
I have new people to work with
I get a new (ish) car on Saturday
We are starting to repay some debts
I have things to look forward to
I feel loved and I love

It is not understanding but acceptance that we need...

2010-08-18T12:01:00.000+01:00

I had the privilege and pleasure of listening to some one's Step 5 tonight and the experience reminded me that it is not understanding but acceptance that we need; especially from ourselves. I have always intellectualised my problems and tried to work through my problems by trying to understand them.

That approach didn't work. It didn't acknowledge my powerlessness. I can not think my way through my problems, especially my addiction. My best thinking got me into any of my biggest problems. I realised that I needed to do life differently.

I discovered in program that in admitting my problems, I admit my powerlessness, leave room for my HP to show me the best way and gain an acceptance of self that has led to a miraculous life. For that I am grateful...

I am grateful for...

2010-07-26T11:56:00.000+01:00

a new willingness to work the steps, to work with others and to live my life abstinently.

That first bite - no matter what it is

2010-07-11T11:58:00.000+01:00

That first compulsive bite gets me every time - no matter what it is, if food is eaten compulsively I will end up in the food. My insanity is forgetting that, my sanity is admitting I am powerless over food and enlisting my HPs help to not taking the first bite.

My hunger is for a spiritual connection and the only way to feed that hunger is with a relationship with a higher power.

Reaching out - the lesson I need to keep learning

2010-07-08T12:48:00.000+01:00

I am terrible at asking for help. I am too used to acting 'in control' or pushing through and 'coping' no matter what the cost. If things get really tough I might cry out and ask my HP for support, as in 'oh god help me'.

The last week I have really needed help and so I decided to do something different and actually ask for it. I have made calls every day to people I don't usually call. And the support that has come my way has been amazing. I feel completely reminded of the hope that surrounds me in program, and feel the strength of recovery cushioning me at this time.

I will be OK thanks to asking for help - I hope I keep flexing this support muscle and that it gets easier for me to ask for help. I am worth it.

Letting Go

2010-06-15T19:51:00.000+01:00

It is 4.30am and I am wide awake and not sure how to

let go of all the thoughts swirling in my head. I am full of thoughts of how I should have done better yesterday and what I need to do tomorrow. I know I need to be focusing only on now - that I am powerless over my yesterdays and my tomorrow's - but I don't know how to do that today.

Any ideas anyone?

HP please show me your will for me. Is this your will for me? Am I striving to be the better person you want me to be or is this just my will run riot? The 4.30am time might be a clue ..... I believe my HP is kind and only wants the best for me, 4.30am probably doesn't factor in that.

I am handing over HP... help me.

I am powerless over my imperfections. I am powerless over my mistakes. I am powerless over what other people think of me. I am powerless over my body and my weight beyond my foodplan. I am powerless over the lessons I still need to learn. I am powerless over other people. I am powerless over other people's expectations of me.

Dis-eased life yesteraday, hope today

2010-06-06T21:17:00.000+01:00

I am feeling dis-eased. I am irritable and judgemental, measuring everyone around me and measuring myself by an unrealistic measure. My thoughts are filled with selfish and self-seeking thoughts. I am unable to see honestly my powerlessness over life. If I don't get what I want I can spiral into self-pity. Food is calling.

Lucky I know that I know this will pass. It is only a day (week) in my life. I have program tools and a HP that I can use. Most of all I have hope. I have hope that today will be better than yesterday; hope that my HP will look after me. I have hope that today I will live my life using the program tools and will be relieved of my dis-ease.

I have hope that today will look nothing life yesterday.

Living my life on the path

2010-06-04T19:42:00.001+01:00

I have been thinking about the meaning of my life lately and in doing so I have heard myself say a number of times 'I am on the road named recovery'. I think it is important that I challenge myself about what that really means, and whether it is true or whether it is just another fantasy I have about who I am.

To me, living a life in recovery means:

Having a relationship with a higher power - however I am defining that for the day. It doesn't matter what my HP; just as long as it is outside me
Living the values of the program in all my affairs
Having a recovery plan - food plan, meetings schedule, sponsor, sponsoree, structure to my steps
Following that plan
Working the steps daily - especially steps 3, 10, 11 and 12
Monitoring where my behaviour is falling out of step with the values of the program
Being open to my higher power's will for me
Having an honest view of my behaviour and taking action where I need to; handing things over to my HP, saying sorry, acknowledging to others, accepting what I can not change.

I get my understanding of the values of the program through the steps, traditions and principles of the program, reading for understanding and talking to others to have clarity around my thoughts.

Looking at that list I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. My first reaction to whip myself; I am not doing lots of those things. On a daily basis my life doesn't look that good. But then I remember lines from the big book 'no one among us has been able to manage perfect adherence... we are not saints... the point is that we are willing to grow. The principles set down are guides to progress. Progress not perfection..

I feel the hope of the promises and I see the value in believing I am on a path - and that I am following the guides to my own personal emotional and spiritual progress.

Taking care of me

2010-05-30T22:09:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking about how I connect with my HP and am clearly being reminded that I don't need to understand my HP or how they connect with me, that I just need to believe.

And believe I do. Looking back on my life, I can see I have been taken care of every step of the way. Even at the times I felt most abandoned.

Today I am home sick. I have had a weekend in bed, unable to push through my flu. I am grateful. Grateful that sickness is one of the ways my HP speaks to me, forces me to slow down and shows me that I haven't been taking care of myself. In getting sick I am forced to slow down, forced to do the basic care I have been skipping, forced to chat to my HP about what is right for me.

I am grateful that my HP knows me so well, knows when I am in trouble and knows the most effective ways to communicate with me. I have really been overworking and over scheduling, not allowing myself the space to revitalise. Being over-tired is one of the biggest dangers for me - I need to heed the old HALT reminder constantly if I do not want to end up in trouble. In getting sick I am forced to take care of myself and to be more mindful of getting over-hungry, angry, lonely and tired and the impact that has on me.

Food has been calling this weekend while I have been sick, but luckily my HP has protected me and I have not acted on it. I feel totally taken care of, and for that I am so grateful.

Sugar replacements - my brain doesn't know the difference...

2010-05-23T07:55:00.000+01:00

I am always trying to see what I can 'get away with' around my food and today I have seen the consequences of that type of behaviour. In the last week I have been indulging in sugar-free alternatives of some of my binge foods. The reality is, that even though there is no processed sugar in them, the sugar-like substances that are in them react in my brain the same way sugar foods do. Essentiall my brain doesn't know the difference between sugar and sugar replacements and now I am obsessing about food that I binge on. I momentarily forgot how important my abstinence, and therefore my sanity, is.

Thanks to my HP I haven't acted on it, but I came close. At a family luncheon I accepted a chocolate with a coffee, but thankfully my HP stepped in and I didn't eat it. It really wasn't my will not to eat it - so I know my HP is with me today.

I know from experience that these foods don't work for me so why did I push it? Intellectually I don't really know the answer, but spiritually I know it is because I am an addict, that I was looking to food for spiritual nourishment instead of from my HP. The words 'sugar-free' seemed to be safe. They obviously are not - after one treat last week, I have found ways to have these treats in my food plan three times this week.

Today, thanks to program and a usually good relationship with my HP, I can forgive myself for such behaviour, but I also know I need to take responsibibility for it. I need to acknowledge and accept I am allergic to sugar based foods - even if they contain sugar alternatives. I am powerless over such foods, my life is unmanageable and stressful (with all those thoughts of food swirling through my brain) if I do not accept this powerlessness.

I am grateful that my HP rescued me today and I am now willing to put in the ground-work and abstain from compulsive eating, including sugar-free treats.

I deserve to stand by myself

2010-04-26T06:53:00.000+01:00

I am in a strange space today - and I need to remind myself that I deserve to stand by myself, not abandon myself and to work my program to the best of my ability. I deserve the best.

Quiet My Mind

2010-04-23T22:52:00.000+01:00

I read the perfect prayer for me this week, really reminded me that when I am not in a spiritually fit condition my busy head will take over my life. HP help me to quiet my mind.

Dear Lord,

Teach me to quiet my mind.
Stop my thoughts from racing from one thing to another.
Stop me from the obsessive thinking about the lives of others.
Help me rest and quiet my mind.
Help me let go of trying to control the lives of others.
Free my mind to be at rest.
This I pray.

Pray from The 12 Step Prayer Book Volume 2 by Bill P. and Lisa D. Copyright 2007 by Hazelden Foundation

Am I being vigorously honest?

2010-04-23T22:40:00.001+01:00

Before program, I believed that I was totally honest. I often described myself as brutally honest, thinking the label was something to be proud of, something other’s would aspire to be. Slowly, after many Step 4s, mini Step 4s and Step 10s I realise I was just brutal, judging others and myself by some warped list of perfection. I thought it was up to me to tell everybody what they were doing wrong in their lives, tell them that if they only did x and behaved life y their lives would be great.

Now I try to remember that many comments are just none of my business, that I need to focus on myself and how I am behaving, not other people. The honesty I thought I naturally possessed was an illusion. In trying to manipulate everyone and everything in my world, trying to get my way (no matter how small) saw me deceive myself time and time again.

I have to work hard to have any clarity in my thinking about my behaviour and my actions. I do that through working my program, which seems harder to do the longer I am in program. My diseased head tells me I have done all the work, that all my years in program mean I am now clear thinking and honest. Sadly that isn’t true. Without vigilance I quickly slip into dishonesty, resentment and fear and I act out in ways I find embarrassing. Dishonesty appears to be my default setting, and only working the program to I get to reset my behaviour.

Listening at meetings helps me to confront what is really going on for me, writing clarifies my thoughts and feelings. Most of all working with others, as a sponsor and a sponsee, constantly reflects to me what it means to be a compulsive overeater and compulsive in my thoughts. Step work, especially Step 10 shows me my behaviour every day.

Sadly I am not doing this to the best of my ability. I am using a new job and long hours as an excuse not to work my program to the best of my ability – I’ve even stopped writing my food plan, which experience shows me will eventually lead me to extra food each meal. If I think I can get away with some extra food (after all I hadn’t specifically committed it) I will. A written food plan helps me to confront my dishonesty around whether I am full.

I don’t have a sponsor or a sponsee at the moment, even though I know my life runs better if I work with one. I am not even writing I am available to sponsor in the meeting book. I am not doing formal step 10s each night, just doing quick run throughs in my head even though I know that is not good enough. And worst of all I am not getting to enough meetings, which keeps me isolated and in my disease. I am not leaving enough time to talk to my HP, to ask for his help.

I know that my honesty is nothing like the vigorous honesty I need to keep me sane and emotionally well.

Which all means I need to get myself to a meeting this morning, no matter what.

Small changes - it's enough

2010-04-15T20:30:00.000+01:00

In times of struggle I often make long list of the things that need to change in my life, especially things I need to do to make it different. It doesn't allow me to see how my HP is in my life and how he is looking after me. Lists show me that I still think I am in control, that I am trying to force my views and ideas on the world. Lists are the manifestation of my control and perfectionism, like food is my barometer for feelings, lists are my barometer of my connection with my HP and my surrender to his will.

Last night I made a small change in my thinking, admitting my perfectionism and people pleasing and this morning (it's still only 5.30am) I asked for help. They are small changes, but today they are enough.

I am grateful I am not in control, that there is a higher force looking after me. I don't have to know what that force is, or to call it God or anything, I just have to know I am being looked after. I don't have to be perfect or please anybody, I just have to be enough.

Is this perfectionism or people pleasing?

2010-04-15T11:48:00.000+01:00

I've started a new job - and I am very grateful for all that brings. But, (I wish that I could accept life on life's terms and do without the buts) I am going quietly crazy.

I have been putting in really long hours, not allowing myself to be the person I really am, quietly suppressing myself at every step. I'm overtired and unable to think about anything but work. At first I thought I was stuck in perfectionism, unable to accept that it is normal and human to feel stressed and imperfect when you start a new job. I tried to be grateful for the new job and all the opportunities it is bringing me. But I still kept pushing myself to be someone I am not. I tried to embrace my imperfection, and remember it is in my humaness that I allow people to love me.

Yet I am still striving beyond a reasonable expectation. My self talk is detriotating. I am replaying way too many meetings in my mind, criticising myself at every step.

I have started to see that people pleasing is really playing out in this new job. I want everyone to like me, to be impressed by me, to think I am professional and deserve my job. The reality is that what other people think of me is none of my business. And when I start to impress other people, I usually get the opposite result.

I am forgetting that it is not my job that is high maintenance but my disease. If I don't put the hours and work in my disease will take over. Without working a program, the only way I know how to manage my life and my feelings is with the mind numbing drug of food. I will be in the food before I know it.

A meeting at work saw me skip my usual meeting this week. I need to do whatever it takes to get to my next meeting, even waking much earlier than I want on Saturday. I need to talk to other oa'ers as I need to remember what it means that I am a compulsive overeater. And I need to remember that being overtired is a really dangerous state for me. I need rest and fun.

I need to drop the people pleasing and start treating myself in the high maintenance way I deserve.

Food as my barometer

2010-02-16T01:56:00.000Z

Like most compulsive overeaters I have wanted to be anything but one. Why couldn't I be like everybody else and just eat food to stay alive?

Well, slowly I am seeing that in being a compulsive overeater I have a way of measuring the pressure I am feeling in the world. For some reason, I am not always able to know how I am feeling. I am unable to articulate or identify what the niggling feeling is - I will regularly ask myself is this what anger or fear feels like? Is this what happiness is or is that boredom?

I often don't know the answer to these questions - but if I have a food plan, if I am aware of what I am eating I will see. Even if I haven't been asking any questions about feelings, extra food will show me something is there, something I need to reflect on, share with someone else or take it to my HP. Food is my barometer for my feelings, and for that I am grateful.

Afraid of my HPs will...

2010-02-15T05:01:00.000Z

I am trying to be brave, I am trying to accept what lays ahead for me but I am afraid.

Someone recently shared a lovely mantra at a meeting, that I've slightly altered, that is helping me with acceptance. I breathe in and repeat CALM in my head, I breathe out and repeat ACCEPTANCE. I now only have to do that a few times and a lovely sense of 'it's all ok' comes over me. But then it can easily slip away.

I am afraid of my financial situation. I have moved back home to Australia, but nothing is going like I planned. I am still unemployed despite 3 months of applying for jobs, broke and not really sure what my future is career wise. I am afraid for my mortgage, credit card bills and I am not sure what is right for me job-wise.

However, I know I am lucky. I am not in the food, I have a program that gives me the tools to deal with difficult times (without having to numb my pain with food) which I can go to no matter how much money I have. I have a partner who supports my recovery and most of all I have a HP who is looking after me. I have a family who love and support me, especially in tough times. I have skills, and even though they may no longer be as current as an employer is looking for, I know I can be of service somewhere.

What is my HPs will for me? Is it that I lose more than I have already lost? I know I will be ok, that in the long run I will get what I need, but the fear of what that looks like needs to be addressed every day to help me stay out of the food.

I am willing to listen to what my HPs will is for me... and to take the steps I need to.

2009-10-27T09:21:00.000Z

I am powerless to rid myself of _________ (defect). I can't, but God can and I'll let God take it.

I surrender

2009-10-27T09:16:00.000Z

HP I surrender. I am powerless over food, my binge foods and my weight. I give my food to you and trust you'll look after me. I do that by:
- having a written food plan
- sticking to my food plan
- praying when I want to eat
- talking to other OA members
- asking for help when I need it

I pray for the willingness to be abstinent, in a clean honest way. I want to let go of this sneaky, dishonest abstinence I have today.

HP I surrender. I am powerless over my finances, my expectations and my controlling behaviour. Help me to see what your will is for me, financially and in my career.

For this I am grateful..

2009-10-19T16:45:00.002+01:00

Today I have so much to be grateful for. As my wildest dreams come true I am stressed and feeling fearful (good things can be just as scary as bad things), so the reassurance of my gratitude is important to chase away my fears.

I am grateful for all the people in my life who love me, and regularly show me that love. People are aware we are having trouble making ends meet at the moment, and the offers of money have been very welcome.
I am grateful for all the love and support I have in fellowship. The texts, calls, cuddles and words of encouragement are keeping me sane. I am also grateful for my recent willingness to ask for help when I need it.
I am grateful for all the abundance in my life - love, possessions, adventures and opportunities.
I am grateful that we get to follow our dreams and are heading home to Oz.
I am grateful I only have three days of work left. I am grateful I get to find another job, and have the opportunity to challenge myself.
I am grateful for my home in Oz, and the plans we have to make it a 'family home'.
I am grateful for the people who are encouraging me in my next adventure, offering little bits of help to get my next job.
I am grateful that I know that this stressful time will pass.
I am grateful for program and all the skills it has taught me, especially in dealing with anger and fear.
I am grateful I can afford to put money in the basket at meetings.
I am grateful for a partner who understands and values the principles of the program.
I am grateful for the little bits of service I am able to do - in fellowship, in my marriage and at work. It helps me keep the focus off me and gives my mind the space to see the truth.
I am grateful for the time I am getting to spend with my UK family.
I am grateful for the feeling of hope I get from the meetings. I am grateful for the hope I feel in my life - after all I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you HP for all I have. I know you are there looking out for me. I know this time and pain will pass.

I am powerless but I am not helpless

2009-10-19T15:07:00.000+01:00

I am powerless over my food. I am powerless over my compulsion and my desire for food to numb my feelings. I am powerless over my dishonesty with my food, especially my dishonesty to myself about how much I have eaten.
I am powerless over my weight and my body image. I am powerless over my sexuality. I am powerless over my lack of self-care, my self-abuse at what I look like.

I am completely powerless but I am not completely helpless. In the food I can not love myself, I can not the sparkle in my eyes and the joy in my smile that makes me beautiful. When I am strong I know sugar has no answers for me. When I work my program I can take the action I need to be healthy and happy.

I can ask for help with my food, my compulsion and my weight. Writing a food plan and sharing it with someone will help me see clearly what I am eating and why. I can dress as well as I can, take care with my appearance and generally love myself as I try to love others.

I can not take the first compulsive bite. I can have a loving contact with a higher power and I can take responsibility for my behaviour.

Insanity is...

2009-10-19T13:03:00.000+01:00

Thinking food has any answers for me. Playing with my food outside meal times, and then expecting there to be a different result from the usual food obsession.
Thinking that I have all the answers, that I know what is right for me and my partner. At all times!
Thinking I am in control of my life.
Thinking I know what is going to happen if things go according to my plan, or do not go according to my plan.

Life has taught me that there is Hope

2009-10-17T14:53:00.001+01:00

I realised in a meeting today that I am forgetting that life has taught me that no matter how tought things get, the one thing I can always have is HOPE.

Hope is why I go to meetings. I know that when I work the program it works. Even if I am in the food (which thankfully I am not at the moment) I can ask for help and things will get better. My bad days today are nothing like my average day in my 'using' past. I now have a truckload of tools to use when life is feeling tough.
My HP knows what I need and therefore I always get what I need. This means sometimes I don't get what I want (see people - there were some disastrous men I wanted more than anyting!)
I never believed I would have a healthy and happy relationship, and after one disastrous relationship after another I finally gave in, stopped controlling everything and found a loving man. I feel very blessed.
I have enough. I am feeling stressed and insecure around money at the moment, but I have always had enough. It will be ok in the long run. I am enough. My HP only gives me what I can handle, so I will be able to handle this day if I just breathe and live it on life's terms, not mine.
Miracles happen and they can happen for me. I have had many experiences with miracles, including coming into some money the day after I was desperate enough, about my financial needs to get a UK visa, to ask my HP for help.

Hope is only the love of life. Henri-Frédéric Amiel

First of all, we had to quit playing God

2009-10-05T19:55:00.000+01:00

I have just been searching the Big Book for answers. And as usual I found the bit I needed, or more truthly the section needed jumped out at me (thank you HP).

Bad news is now I need to take the Big Book's advice. I need to stop playing my HPs role, something I find hard to do. I am so used to taking back my self-will I barely notice it slipping back into my handbag, I quickly take the focus off me and spend all my time telling everybody else how they should live their life. Selfish and self-centredness becomes my mode of operation and I don't see that it is happening. Well, not until 'driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.' When I see hurt and shocked faces all around, it's impossible to not see my bad
behaviour.

I was shocked at how angrily I spoke to someone today. I thought I knew best. I thought I was being hard-done by because people weren't acting the way I thought they should. I felt disrespected and unappreciated, but didn't stop to think about what other's needed. I overstepped the mark, I upset the mood in the office, and I didn't take stock of my behaviour before it was too late.

I am learning it is ok for me to have angry thoughts, but I have no right to inflict them on someone else. I need to speak to people respectfully and kindly, even when I don't agree with them. I need to make amends, especially living amends.

HP help me to quit playing God.

Gratitude - my first steps

2009-10-02T19:27:00.000+01:00

Despite what my head has been telling me this week, I have a lot to be grateful for, including that:

I am loved,
I can take responsibility for my behaviour, and for my happiness,
the www. is full of inspiration for me,
I have enough - I am enough,
tears make me feel so much better,
I can be the one who learns the most when I am sharing with a sponsee,
my bad moods are never permanent, and I don't have to accept them,
I continue to witness miracles and beauty in my life,
this is my life, no one elses, so it doesn't matter what other people have, are or do,
it's ok to be imperfect, to make mistakes, that I can behave badly and say sorry,
I am learning more about who I am each day,
my unamanageability is a reminder that I am not in control,
there is always hope in my life, even when I can't feel it,
and my HP is always looking out for me, and knows what is best for me.

Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person. Dr. David M. Burns

Getting there

2009-10-02T16:56:00.002+01:00

Nothing is perfect, but today was a new day. I am not my usual self - but I am getting there. I am trying to remember most of all, its not me who's in charge but my HP.

Looking for my willingness

2009-10-01T19:21:00.002+01:00

I don't think I have felt this unwilling to work my program before. I called my sponsor, but I can honestly say I didn't really listen. She knew I wasn't my usual self, and asked me to commit to some action tonight. All I was willing to commit to was asking for willingess. So here I am, asking for some willingness to work my program.

HP please take my fears from me....

2009-09-23T20:41:00.004+01:00

I am struggling with my fears - the struggle is so big I don't even seem to be able to give them a name. I want to hand them over to my HP, but how do I do that without naming them?

HP I know you know all that is going on, but I feel like I need to hand them over to you one by one. HP I give you my fears, thoughts and feelings - even the unnamed and under-formed ones:

I hand over my life - let me see your will for me. I know you have an amazing adventure planned for me and, if I just hold on in the rough bits and endure the boring bits, I will be ok.
I will get what I need, and when I need it. It may not be exactly what I want or when I want it, but when I look back on my life I will see it was exactly what I needed.
I'll survive. I am a survivor. I might not get the job I want or the life I want, but I'll survive and I'll be happy. Life with you has shown me that.
It's ok not to have a plan for everything, as I know you'll take care of the important stuff.
Life happens whether I am paying attention or not, and I know you are always paying attention.
Fear can't kill me. I can feel fear and still do what I need to do to live my life.
I am afraid my fear will distance me from people, damage my relationships and keep me stuck. Show me another way to live my life.

What is my HP's will for me?

2009-09-23T18:41:00.005+01:00

Why is listening to what my HPs will for me so difficult?

Luckily my HP is very persistent. And tricky! He does everything I need to get me to listen.

I've had a migraine looming for 2 days - I feel vague, disorientated and like I am hanging over the edge of pain. A dance of years with my HP has shown me that this is a warning. If I am not physically well, there is usually something spiritually unwell going on as well.

I can sense my fear. I can sense my hesitation in letting my HPs will be. I can sense a little distance from my HP. For some reason it is not a clear, direct feeling of disconnect. It seems to be a sneaky, dishonest feeling of self-control. That's why my HP needs to be sneaky and unavoidable - migraines just scream attention. What I am learning from this migraine is:

That I am 'in control' of my life. And something has to bend or I'll snap.
I am not being honest to myself about my feelings - I need to find a way to release them.
I need to work on my conscious contact with my HP, to be able to listen to what he is telling me.
I need to leave some room in my life for me.

I have a few questions I usually ask myself about my HPs will:

Are my actions/ inactions kind (including kind to me)?
Is it too hard - am I forcing anything?
Is it according the principles of the program?

If I answer no to any of these questions I know I haven't quite cracked my HPs will for me. Yet.

Another Step 10 idea

2009-09-17T20:37:00.002+01:00

I'm looking for ideas on Step 10..... and liked this simple one I came across today, asking 3 questions that cover the different aspects of my disease:

- Where am I physically?

Eg - Am I tired or unwell? Do I have a foodplan? Is it working for me?

- Where am I spiritually?

Eg - Have I prayed and meditated? How I am working my program? Am I staying in touch with other members of program?

- Where am I emotionally?

Eg - Am I angry or upset? Resentful? Content?

A perfect place to deal with my anger

2009-09-17T20:28:00.003+01:00

I am grateful that some of my anger seems to have past. This program works when I work it.

I was reminded by someone's post that Step 1 is a perfect place to deal with my anger. Essentially what I did yesterday was admit my powerlessness and unmanageability around anger. Mostly my life was unmanageable because I was lashing out and blaming others for my life. The only two people responsible for my life, my happiness and my well-being are me and my HP.

In assuming responsibility for my life, and acknowledging my HPs role, I leave room for a healthy expression of my anger, for sanity.

Principles of the program

2009-09-16T21:38:00.004+01:00

As said in the OA 12 x 12, the principles inherent in each step are as follows:

Step One - honesty

Step Two - hope

Step Three - faith

Step Four - courage

Step Five - integrity

Step Six - willingness

Step Seven - humility

Step Eight - self-discipline

Step Nine - love

Step Ten - perseverance

Step Eleven - spiritual awareness

Step Twelve - service

There is a lot for me to think about if I am to live this program in all my affairs.

Moving through my anger a day at a time

2009-09-16T20:22:00.006+01:00

I'm binging on anger at the moment, an old self-righteous expression of anger that I thought I'd long left behind. I know that anger is a indulgence I can't afford - it leads me back to the food most times, erodes my self-esteem and stands between me and my HP. I'm a little shocked and disheartened about how long it is hanging around as I have been angry for over a week. It's a long time since I have stayed in an anger binge for so long and if I am honest, I thought I'd grown beyond such behaviour.

Luckily program has given me lots of ways to honestly look at what is going on and what I need to do to move through it. Some good things for me to do when I am angry are:

Ask for help - from my sponsor, from other people in fellowship, from my HP. Listening to other people's experience, strength and hope can't help but leave me with some hope
Dig out any fears that might be hiding under my anger
Give it to my HP
Make a Gratitude List
Pray the resentment prayer for those I am angry and resentful at - page 67 of the Big Book
Read page 417 of the Big Book - acceptance is the answer to all my problems.
Reaffirm what I am powerless over - people, places, things.... but that I am not helpless
Step 10 review of my part in it
Take it through Steps 1-3 (I can't, God can, I think I'll let God), 6 & 7 (real humility about my character defects imply acceptance)
Write it out - long lists of who & what I am angry at
Write a gratitude list

What have I missed, what other program actions should I be taking? I always find it hard to determine which one to use when, but if I work through this list I know I will eventually find relief.

Experience has shown me that like most things my anger will pass, not necessarily in my time but, when it is right for me. I know my HP always knows what is right for me.

HP help me see what you are trying to teach me at the moment.

In the meantime, I'm........

Those nasty things called feelings

2009-08-19T20:21:00.002+01:00

Feelings; they are always the thing that bring me to my knees the nasty buggers.

I have learnt and re-learnt a lot this week, most of all I have learnt how strong my instinct is to blame someone else when I am feeling low, feeling emotional or am in pain.

I know this is learnt behaviour, that my Mum also instinctively looks for someone to blame when she is feeling overwhelmed by her feelings. She is easily distracted from her feelings, ending up focusing on her anger at someone other than who/ what the immediate problem is about and allowing her to avoid the original pain. It means she gets stuck in situations and feelings, sometimes for years. Somehow I have learnt that behaviour.

You hear people in recovery talk about the elephant in the room that everyone ignores or pretends they can't see, well in my family it was the huge pile of emotional poo that everyone is pretending is not there even though the stench is becoming unbearable.

But this isn't about blaming my parents for who I am, this is about me. I love the freedom that taking responsibility for me offers. If I am responsible for who I am, how I behave and how I react to people and things, then I can change. Living life isn't about what happens to me, it is about what I do with what happens to me.

And this week, I didn't do so well. I spent the week justifying my bad feelings.

I do this in so many ways. If I am feeling low, instead of simply acknowledging that and allowing myself to accept and process the feelings, I look around for justification. I tell myself I'm sad (insert emotion as appropriate) because he upset me. Was selfish. Demanding. If I can't really find anything to target my feelings with, I throw the dart I know that always hits the bull of the dartboard; I over eat. Quickly enough I can be sad, angry, self-hating because I've over-eaten. That original pain is long forgotten.

I get so caught up in the justification, I forget to feel my feelings and they stick to me superglue, unable to let go when I need to.

That's silly. Sometimes you are just sad. Resentful. Angry. It's pk, they can't kill me.

Why is it so hard for me to take responsibility for my feelings, to simply sit with them rather than run away from them by blaming someone else or something (especially food)?

A very tough day

2009-08-18T21:27:00.007+01:00

Needing a little sunshine today - sunflowers always bring a smile,

thanks to my hubbie who's made them our flower.

I had a very tough day today and now I need to reflect on why it was so tough.

As usual at an OA meeting tonight I heard just what I needed to hear - we read Step 10 from the OA 12 x 12 and I was reminded of the importance of working my program every day. 'If we are to experience permanent recovery from compulsive eating, we will have to repeat, day after day, the actions that have already brought us so much healing.'

So what that I have been in program for years; if I am not working my program today, I will not have the recovery I seek. The hours I have put into recovery before today are not banked, they have use-by dates like any other perishable goods.

So bearing that in mind I need to do a thorough Step 10 tonight.

Today's stumbling blocks:

Pride & perfectionism
Fear
Anger & resentment
Self-pity
Self-obsession
Control & manipulation

I don't think it appropriate to detail here all the ways these stumbling blocks played out today, but it is important I know that they did. I need to remind myself about my powerlessness and to be grateful for all I have.

Powerlessness:

I am powerless over food, that my life is unmanageable if I don't have and use a foodplan
I am powerless over others - the way the choose to live their life, their reactions to me and my behaviour
I am powerless over my fears
I am powerless over my feelings, all I can do is feel them. Judging myself by my feelings isn't very productive.

Gratitude

I am grateful that I am human, that it is ok to be imperfectly human
I am so grateful for my husband - knowing I was upset he treated me like the most important person in the world and showed me how loved I am tonight. He picked me up from my meeting, cooked dinner & cleaned up, put a load of washing on, cuddled me and sent a text of how much he loved me.
I am so grateful that I am not in control - that my life plan will continue to be revealed.
I am grateful for my belief in a HP and the protection of the universe
I am grateful for my family
I am grateful that I will soon be able to get a new job.
I am grateful that I have healthy ways to process all this emotion flowing inside me
And finally I am most grateful that tomorrow is another day, that I wake up with a new start tomorrow.

Please HP help me see what steps I need to take next.

Where does my willingness go?

2009-08-18T06:50:00.007+01:00

Forest near Kielder

One minute it is here, the next minute its vanished so quickly it is as though it was never here at all. Why is my willingness so slippery? Where does it go when it disappears, is there some holiday retreat for personal traits that I don't know about? Is this another way my HP is reminding me that I am not in control, that my life is in his hands?

I am praying for willingness again. My weight is once again showing me that my food is not OK? I feel big - too large for my clothes, too large for my furniture and too large for my partner. We have started to laugh about how much I dwarf him in the photos we take - in honesty I'm not finding it that funny.

My ego is struggling with acceptance of where I am. I have been in programme a long time, surely I should have it cracked by now? Weight (I actually mean size I think as I am not weighing I am just noticing how I am in clothes) isn't everything, I know, but it is the best thing I have to show me how I am honesty doing with my food.

My dishonesty with food is shameful. I accept it is part of my disease, but I also accept if I take responsibility for it, catch it the instant it starts to happen, that my disease can be arrested. I want to stop lying to myself about how much food I am eating. I want to stop lying, by omission, to my sponsor and my group when I have broken my abstinence.

Most of all I want to stop eating food outside my food plan.

HP send me some willingness please?

Willingness got me to where I am today

2009-07-22T19:11:00.002+01:00

I was to chair a meeting on willingness last night, but a newcomer arrival saw us switch formats. However, I am grateful for the preparation I did which reminded me that all I need to work my program is willingness.

Sick of struggling with my abstinence, despite just getting the big thing I so wanted (I am as uncomfortable with good feelings as I am with negative feelings such as fear) I decided I needed to pray for the willingness to do life differently.

In my struggle, I'd slipped from surrender to control, and it was spiralling out of control. I wasn't doing anything I needed to - I'd stopped talking to my HP, I'd stopped writing my food plan, and I certainly wasn't doing my daily review before I went to bed.

I was obsessing about my weight and how bad I was looking. I was accusing my husband of not fancying me any more. I had made my weight and my food responsible for anything that wasn't perfect in my life.

The reality was I wasn't willing to do anything to live my life the sane way I usually do. Then I remembered the me who first came into program,when all I had was willingness to come to meetings. I wasn't willing to eat three meals a day, I wasn't willing to get a sponsor and I certainly wasn't willing to let my HP control my life. Someone asked me if I was ready to risk getting a better life by simply asking the universe for willingness to do those things. Why not I thought, I always liked to rise to a challenge.

And to my surprise, the willingness came almost immediately. It was to be the first of many amazing discoveries in recovery. On days I am feeling twee, I call it my first miracle. Since then I have found that if I ask, the willingness comes. Sometimes not as fast as I want, but eventually the willingness arrives.

So last weekend, sick of myself I finally asked for the willingness to do life differently. And it arrived in a flash, and almost painlessly.

I am feeling so grateful for the little gems I've learnt that have simply changed my life.

When the going gets tough...

2009-07-05T15:13:00.006+01:00

Despite an almost unending list of things to be grateful for, my life seems tough at the moment. I don't seem to be getting anything I want. I am full of fear at what lays ahead and how I'll manage.

I have been using food as a tool to numb my feelings. I have been tearful and projecting into the future, focusing on all the negatives and how badly my life could unravel. I am having migraines and have been self absorbed. I am reverting to poor living habits.

Life shows me over and over again I always get what I need; not necessarily the things I want. I need to find my faith in life, and start living life on life's terms, not my terms. Ok, so I seem to be missing out on some big things at the moment (motherhood, or even the chance of motherhood, certainty about when I'll see my family again, satisfaction at work, financial security) but the reality is I know I will survive no matter what.

I have tools to help me manage my life. I have a HP looking over me, a loving partner, love of family & friends, enough money to feed and clothe myself. I will survive and I will be happy no matter what happens in the next few months.

I need to pick up those tools I've learnt in program, to stop just paying lip service to recovery and act like a sane and sober person. There is a bit of perfectionism going on. I am berating myself for how well I am coping with life (or more correctly how poorly I am living). The reality is I am going through a bumpy patch, and yes I have allowed myself to slip back to old behaviours but it is ok,I can look after myself better from here, be more vigilant in my relationship with food,live life with a positive attitude.

Experience has shown me I get the life I work towards. It is time to work towards the sane life I know program brings me.

A sponsee is calling soon. It is important I am working with others, thinking of life beyond my own problems and remembering what it is to be living a sane life.

In sharing my experience with recovery I am hoping to keep what I have learned close to my weary heart.

Doctor's Opinion

2009-05-17T15:42:00.004+01:00

I have been reading the Doctor's Opinion in the AA Big Book and am wondering if I really believe that I have an allergy, whether I truely understand that my disease is physical (as well as emotional and spiritual)?

I know that if I decide to take that first compulsive bite of something that I am allergic to, like sugar, that there is a definite physical reaction. Once I have sugar in my body I have no defense against the craving for more sugar. I no longer fight, I simply surrender to the cravings and binge on sugar. Besiges the bloating and the discomfort, my body gets itchy, I get migraines, my body temperature rises to a level that becomes uncomfortable, my heart rate increases and I get a general buzz inside my body like I do when I have PMT.

Yes, I know my disease is physical, but do I take it as serious as being allergic to peanuts or seafood? No, sadly I don't. I keep experimenting with what I can eat, trying to see how close to eating sugar I can get without having the reaction. I keep thinking experimenting with food sweetened by artificial sweeteners, honey or fruit sweeteners is OK. It is not. I need to remember that my brain doesn't know the difference between sugar and artificial sweeteners, that as soon it feels the hit of sugar it will be craving more. I keep experimenting with eating outside three meals a day, to see what I can do without triggering the craving for more food.

Why do I want to act so insanely? If I was dangerously allergic to peanuts would I be experimenting with what kinds of nuts I could survive eating? I doubt I'd do that in a dangerous way, without protection. I am being reckless with my food. I am triggering the craving and then expecting myself to be able to tough it out.

I am not like other people. I can not eat sweet food. I can not eat outside meal times, no matter how healthy the snack. I can not overeat at meal time, or put too much food on my plate.

I am slowly gaining weight at the moment. It is because I am sneaking around the boundaries - having an extra piece of fruit here, a packet of crisps there, larger portions with my meals. It is making me feel ashamed. It is not living sanely. I am being increasingly uncomfortable in my body, less clear in my thinking, more emotional.

How can I carry the message when I losing the message?

I need to take responsibility for what is happening. I need to be honest every time I do something that triggers the allergy of compulsive overeating.

Remembering my attitude of gratitude

2009-04-27T14:04:00.002+01:00

I am grateful for all I have.

I am grateful for my partner, he loves me unconditionally and even when I make silly mistakes
I am grateful we have finally finished the visa application
I am grateful for long-time friends, they know who I am today and who I have been
I am grateful for the phone, and the chance to tap into those long-time friends
I am grateful I have a home to return to in Australia
I am grateful for my day off - the chance to spend some quiet time with Me & to tap into what is going on
I am grateful for my feelings - it means I am not numbing myself with food
I am grateful for RSS feeds & podcasts -I can have my own meeting at home, just listening to all the wonderful shares out there in cyberspace
I am grateful for being a COE - and OA, it means I have somewhere and some way to process my life
I am grateful for my in-laws & the money they gave us for our wedding photos. They arrived today and I love them
I am grateful for my HP and his wisdom to know all I need
I am grateful to flickr, photoshop, my camera and the web for all the ways they allow me to express myself
I am grateful for the financial security I have - it is enough
I am grateful for my ability to laugh at myself, it means my perfectionism is slowly ebbing away
I am grateful for my recovery story - the good times and the bad, it makes me who I am

Fear action list

2009-04-27T09:12:00.005+01:00

I need to take action about my fears today. Yes, I am powerless over my fears and it is up to my HP to relieve me of them. However, I also know that like any surrender to my HP, I need to take action, that there is groundwork needed to be done in order to release my fears.

I write this blog to remind myself of all I have learnt in program. My disease is one of forgetfulness. I constantly need to re-learn my lessons around my addictive behaviour, to remember how to live a recovered life, to remember the reality of my disease of compulsive overeating. If I do not take care of myself, learn to strive for emotional well-being, I will end up back in the food. I will once again look for food to solve my problems. That's not the life I want for me, that's not my the life my HP wants for me.

In writing out my recovery process, I am building myself a list of tools to grab when the ocean-crossing that is my recovery gets very rocky. Today is such a day, I have been tracking back through my blog looking for inspiration on what to do with the fear I have around Craig's health.

I realise I know a lot more about fears and action than my blog shows, and today I need to remind myself of all the tools I have and the ground work I need to do to be ready to have my fears released. My HP has not left me alone with myself, he has left me with a long list of program tools including:

Fear inventory - the big book and Step 4 have a lot to tell me about getting to the bottom of my fears, and seeing how they affect my life
Prayer - ask for help, let my HP and other people know I need help
Reaching out - I can share my fears with other members of the fellowship including my Sponsor to get some clarity around what is going on
Hand it over - I have lots of little rituals to hand it over to my HP. I have a 'God-jar' that I pop little notes in with things I have handed over to my HP, I recite a prayer about the things I am powerless over, I write notes and then destroy them realising the ideas in them to my HP
Reading - there is a lot of literature about fear in program - read something for inspiration
Get the attitude of gratitude - remembering all the ways I've been looked after in this life help me feel closer to my HP, to have my belief that I will be looked after
Fake it - I can feel the fear and do it anyway. I can pretend that I have handed it over to go, and if I pretend long enough it eventually becomes my reality
Do something for someone else - helping others, helps me. Doing something for someone else takes my mind off my problems, gives them perspective, and often highlights a solution I haven't thought of
Surrender - do what you need to do to really understand that you are powerless over the thing you fear. Surrender is incredibly freeing
List the actions I need to take & then do them - live out the serenity prayer, list what I am powerless over but also list what I need the courage to change. Make a list of actions I could do to make the situation different, and then do it.

I commit to myself that I will use some of these tools today.

Higher Powered Today

2009-04-27T08:20:00.001+01:00

As usual my HP has better plans for me than I do, and today is no different. I do not have to go to work today so I have the space to do what I need to do to live a recovered life.

I just re-read my Today post - and most of all it struck me that I need to have a recovery plan. Why is it that I constantly forget to plan for recovery? I am so grateful for everything recovery has given me, but act like an entitled teenager who refuses to put in any effort to to be part of the recovery family.

I have just drafted up my recovery plan today & it feels lovely to know I am looking after myself. I never realised what a high maintenance girl I was, I always thought those definitions were for women who spent hours on their nails, make-up and hair. It seems my HP would have me spending hours on my spirit, emotional well-being and physical health. I feel blessed to be open to such a notion and just for today I will have and live such a recovery plan.

I continue to be over-emotional, crying at any newspaper story or TV program that hints at tragedy. I am handing that over to my HP today, clearly there is some reason why I am feeling (or over-feeling) my feelings like that today. Today I am willing to live a higher powered life, where I don't think I am in charge of anything. We are getting our Visa statements signed by a solicitor today, meaning our visa will be in the mail tomorrow or Wednesday and my fears about our future will be swirling all around me until we hear from IMMI, probably in 6 weeks. I know I am not in charge, all I can do is the ground-work and leave the rest to my HP and the universe.

It is a dreary day here in Yorkshire, for which I am thankful. There is no tug to be outside and taking snaps; I can do my chores without one eye to a blue sky and fantasies of what a beautiful backdrop it is to the blossoms. I can happily work on my other recovery today plan; listening to podcasts from LA OA intergroup, return a call of a OA member, cook myself 2 abstinent and tasty meals, read some of my program list and do some action around my fears and spend some quite time listening to my HPs will for me.

Today I will allow myself to be higher powered, not me powered.

Enough

2009-04-26T18:53:00.004+01:00

My disease often leaves me feeling not enough. Today I am reminding myself that my life is full of Enough....

I am enough
I have enough recovery to live a happy life
I have more than enough things in my life - jewellery, clothes, books, art, treasures -my life is in fact an embarrassment of riches
I am loved enough - my husband, my family, my friends
I am attractive, funny & interesting enough
I have done enough
I have eaten enough today
I have had enough adventures
My successes are enough
I have said enough

I do not need anything more. I have enough.

Feeling the fear

2009-04-26T15:52:00.004+01:00

I'm surrounded by beauty today, loveliness like these blooms I snapped this morning with even lovelier blue skies behind them. God I miss the blue skies of Sydney. I am struggling to stay in touch with reality today, to do the next right thing, to take care of myself the way I need to, to simply enjoy the beauty around me. I am looking for something to numb my feelings, and I don't want that to be food.

Last night I ate outside my food plan, food that is on my amber list. I am only able to eat food like that when I am tracking well, not when I am struggling like today. It is dangerous territory, even more doing it outside meal time, and it is a sign I need to take some action.

Instead of eating I need to be feeling my feelings. There is a lot of the them inside me today - fear, sorrow, hope, frustration, boredom, anxiety, shame, and faith. Such a mix, such a recipe for tears. I have been letting tears flow a lot at the moment, especially watching TV or reading the paper. My partner has taken to waking with the words 'what's wrong now'. It is said with a little more love than the words themselves indicate, but he is definitely frustrated by the ease at which I am crying at the moment, the way I am torturing myself with my thoughts.

I seem to be consumed by my fears at the moment, fears that lead me to anxiety and shame. I am most afraid for my partner, his health and what that means for our future. I am selfishly worrying about myself; how I'll cope long term with a chronically ill partner, how we'll manage financially, what is right for us living wise, whether his health will mean he will be denied a visa to live in my country. I am ashamed of how little thought I am giving to my partner and how scared he must be. Living in Australia has been a very long held dream - not being able to achieve it will be a big blow.

I am unsure what I will do with the rest of my life if I can't live at home. I am unsure if I will be able to stay in this country after November, when my current visa expires. I am too afraid to explore my options living here until we have our answer about my partner - I am anxious not to jinx ourselves, that in just sticking to the one plan I am showing the universe I am 100% committed to a life with my partner in Australia.

I am so afraid as to how we'll react to a decline in his visa application, how we'll pull ourselves together and build a future. I know my partner will feel responsible for everything, his illness which was ultimately caused by addict behaviour, my happiness (or lack of it) and our financial situation. Will this have a negative impact on our relationship?

I need to have more faith, I know. My HP has always given me the best, even when I couldn't recognise it at the time. I need to believe that I will be looked after. I need to have more faith and trust in my relationship - any challenges we have faced in the past have made us stronger, made us better as a couple. Why would this challenge be any different?

I will continue to take action to feel my feelings today - this blog entry was a great start. I have asked my HP for help - this one is definitely beyond me. I commit to only eating at meal times for the rest of the day (only one meal left) and only abstinent food.

I can feel my heart making room for hope - I have faith that my HP will look after me.

Doing life the 3 P way - plan, prepare and pray

2009-04-20T08:59:00.002+01:00

My willingness to do life the 3 P way is high at the moment - I know my recovery starts by me having a plan (plan for meetings, understanding what my abstinent looks like, working the steps etc), preparing and doing the actions for that plan (arranging my diary so I can go to meetings, talk to other coe's, shop and look after myself so I can have healthy and abstinent meals) then praying for God's will and help for me (the power to carry the other two out).

I feel so safe in the arms of fellowship and my HP today and ask that I keep having my thinking directed to I live life the way I need.

Knowing what I am responsible for

2009-04-18T19:58:00.002+01:00

We are having lots of newcomers at meetings at the moment. I love that fellowship is attracting new members, but I am struggling with what is my responsibility, what it means for me to 'share the hand of fellowship' means.

I find myself feeling 'less than' when newcomers come to meetings. I tell myself I am not thin enough to encourage people to keep coming back, my story of recovery isn't amazing enough to inspire people or that my sharing is a little weird. Our fellowship is small here and I am often self-conscious of the amount of people and amount of recovery in the rooms.

I need to have more faith that their HP is looking after them, that they are on their own journey of recovery and if it is meant to be they will get what they need.

All I can do is honestly and openly share my experience, strength and hope and encourage them to keep coming back.

It is in sharing my fellowship that I get to keep it.

Fear leads me to my greatest defects

2009-04-18T18:59:00.006+01:00

I know I can’t eliminate fear from my life, or at least my head knows it, but my heart pines for a life that is fear of the devastating effects of fear on my life. I know my unnatural urge to do life numb is a symptom of my dis-ease, my addictive nature, but I still fantasise about doing life without the lows.

Fear sees me behave my worst, fear leads me to my greatest defects. This week, once again I have been facing fear around money and my relationship. A lifetime of relationships with addicts, including myself, has resulted in mixed up and unhealthy feelings around managing money and accepting other people's relationship with money.

In my fear I quickly switch to anger, often about things that have nothing to do with me. It happens so quickly that there is so little time to catch myself, to catch my lack of faith and to exercise my courage.

My anger is inappropriate and uncontrollable. I become controlling, manipulative and abusive. I yelled, I shamed my partner, belittled him and left him feeling less than and worthless. I over -reacted and behaved life something had been 'done' to me. I was yelling about something that was honestly none of my business. I forget the boundary between my life, me, and my husband's life and him. I was abusive.

I hate facing my abusive side. I hate hurting someone I love. I hate the hangover I am left with after I have binged with anger. I hate being so out of touch with my HPs will for me. I hate that loss of faith that I mostly live with. In that moment of fear I forget that my HP is looking after me, that he wants the best for me. I have always been looked after financially, or I have been able to look after myself financially, so why do I feel so unsafe. I could tell you hundreds of stories from my past that would justify this behaviour - but the truth is they are a long way from my past. My current life does not show me any reason to be so fearful around money.

I know I am powerless over this fear, so HP please remove this defect. Or at least let the fear come over me a little slower, let me have some space to catch my fear and hit it away with my courage. HP, I am ready to let it go. Fear no longer works for me, there is nothing I need to protect myself from any more. I am ready to do life without this fear. I am ready to be grateful for what I have rather than fearful of what I can lose.

I am grateful for all the gifts and miracles I have received in my life. In being grateful for these gifts, I can start to let go of the fear around money.

I am ready & willing to do life differently.

Today

2009-04-17T17:34:00.002+01:00

Today, I will live in this day only, not focus on my whole life at once. I can do anything for twelve hours, even something that would appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime. I can live a minute at a time when needed.

Today, I will be happy, assuming what Abraham Lincoln said, that "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." I will be grateful for all I have, and all I have had even my life lessons; they have made me who I am today. I will say thank you as much as I can, as everyone needs to be appreciated.

Today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study and learn something useful. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will read something that will challenge me and give me a new lesson on life.

Today, I will take life as it comes. I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will admit I am not in control of everything. I will allow myself to be imperfect. I will say sorry for anything that needs to be apologised for.

Today, I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to, just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Today, I will be the best I can be. I will look as well as I can, dress well, talk nicely, act courteously, not gossip or criticise, even if I think it is justified. Before I speak I will check myself; does this need to be said right now, by me. I will not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Today, I will work my program and have a recovery plan. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will have a quiet half hour to myself, doing nothing but talking to my HP. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life. I will save myself from hurry and indecision, giving myself space to hear my HP's plan for me.

Today, I will be courageous and celebrate my fears for they give me the opportunity to practise being courageous. I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Homage to Kenneth L. Holmes's Just for Today by me..

Here to talk to my HP

2009-04-10T19:37:00.003+01:00

I thought I was doing really well talking to my HP this week, each day when I did my usual Step 3 prayer admitting my powerless over food and re-committing to the steps I take to maintain my abstinence I was also asking my HP to direct my thinking, to keep me away from negative, selfish and self-pitying thinking.

My thinking hadn't been so great before I started doing this and, aware that poor thinking leads me to the food, I wanted to do what I needed to do to stay sane. It is such a simple thing to do - just ask for help, but it certainly made a difference.

Then, not having to work today, I got out of my routine. I did not do a formal Step 3. I did not ask my HP to direct my thinking. I did not plan my food.

Irritated by my partner's avoidance of a chore we need to do and my own inability to get on with some things, I've found myself in self pity. I am missing home and I am feeling lonely and separate from people. My partner has headed out to his own fellowship meeting and I was feeling a little abandoned.

And just before I came here to write I was looking around the apartment for what I could eat that would give me a fix, but not break my abstinence. Then I started looking at my partner's food - biscuits and cakes that have no business in my mouth.

So here I am to talk to my HP, to listen to him and hear what he wants for me.

He doesn't want me to numb my feelings in food. He doesn't want me to waste my life wishing it was different. He wants me to enjoy all I have, to be grateful for the amazing life I have today. A life I have thanks to Program, and staying out of the food.

Tomorrow morning I will not forget to ask my HP to direct my thinking.

Where is my conscious contact?

2009-04-06T15:36:00.003+01:00

I'm thinking about my conscious contact at the moment - how is it that I talk to my HP?

I love that program gives me the freedom to talk to my HP however I like. I need to have an honest conversation, taking to the conversation all my defects and all my assets, all my anger, resentment and my gratitude.

I over-talk - and that's no different in my conversations with my HP. Luckily my HP is patient, he lets me talk and reason myself out and when I've said all I want to say, there will be an opportunity to have me listen. This conversation, however lopsided towards me discussing my wants and ideas, helps me to slowly align my will with my HPs will for me.

I seem to be in the midst of a long conversation with my HP - all essentially telling him that he has it wrong for my partner at the moment. I believe my partner just has too much too deal with at the moment, that mine and his HP is just being mean in what they've given him. I hope that deep down I know this is not true, that my partner needs to have this experience for a reason. I am just being selfish, I am just being fearful, I am just being controlling.

I think what I am missing in my life, and in this ongoing conversation with my HP, is asking for help in directing my thinking. I need to actively ask for help in improving my thinking. Tomorrow morning, when I say my step 3 prayer, I am going to ask my HP for help in directing my thinking. And I hope soon I will be done talking about my partner's problems, and be ready to listen to my HPs will for me.

Feeling my feelings

2009-04-06T10:12:00.005+01:00

I find feeling my feelings so hard. I hear this shared a lot in meetings, so maybe it is a symptom or being an addict or maybe it is why we pick up our drug of choice, but whatever the reason my feelings are like a like a foreign land, a place of surprising and unfathomable experiences - enjoyable and painful.

I am finding it difficult to really get in touch with my feelings, to understand what is going on. I feel numb, I feel discontent, I feel irritable. These feelings are all general feelings; I can't pin them to a situation happening in my life, to a relationship I am having trouble with, to a disappointment.

I can feel my HP's presence, gently pushing me to look what is happening, asking me how I am feeling. I have started to crying in bed at night, watching trashing TV. It is the sad stories that I am watching that bring tears to my eyes - but I have to wonder why so quickly.

When listening to my sponsees talk about their issues, I am over identifying with their troubles, imagining all the issues I could pin my current dis-ease on.

I need to try new ways to connect to my feelings. The current way, of over-thinking everything, is clearly not working. I am heading out this morning to spend some time with my mother-in-law, it just felt right for me to spend some time with her. I need to think beyond myself and what is happening for me and open myself to what else is out there in the world. Maybe there is an answer out there for how I am feeling.

I am listening to the http://www.oalaig.org/ podcasts again this morning, and I've finally made it to 2007 - only 2 years to go!

Just for Today

2009-04-06T10:05:00.004+01:00

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to--just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially Iwill not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Kenneth L. Holmes

Heard online

2009-03-30T14:19:00.003+01:00

I'm sorry I can't eat that if it has sugar in it, I'm allergic to sugar; I break out in fat.

Good intentions

2009-03-23T08:37:00.004Z

I don't have to go to work today. It is a cloudy, moody day. Grey and uninspiring.

I feel so lucky to not have to work. The money would be good, but a day of self-reflection and working through my chores will be even better.

I need to be in touch with my HP today, to have him guide me in what I need to do. I get so easily distracted by things I think are more interesting and fun than my chores. I need to reflect on my priorities, and what it means that I am procrastinating on them.

Listening to my Higher Power is the hardest thing I do. I often feel disconnected or unsure of what the message is. Today I will listen to my higher power by:

- listening to two talks from the OA speakers bureau

- writing on fears and procrastination

- talking to another member

- doing something creative for 15 minutes that will take me from myself and help me be open to my Higher Power's message

- doing a gratitude list

7th Step Prayer

2009-03-22T17:29:00.000Z

My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of my character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me the strength as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

Sponsees - my HP talks to me through them

2009-03-22T16:58:00.004Z

Sponsorship is such an amazing experience - I constantly hear myself telling my sponsees the things I most need to hear; things I know but have temporarily forgotten. My HP talks to me through my sponsees, and their HP talks to them through me. How clever is that? It's another one of life's miracles.

Today I spoke to a sponsee about fear. I admitted to her that fear was the thing I most need to think about at the moment, and what it meant about my relationship with my HP.

My life experience has shown me time and time again that my HP has a far more creative and amazing life-plan for me than I do. The more I let my HP manage my life, the more amazing it gets. I am happiest today than I have ever been.

So why my struggles in handing my life (and my fears) to my HP? Why do I insist that things be done my way, when I have seen over and over again that my way is not the best way?

I need to surrender to these fears I have about my partner's health and visa, to hand it all over to my HP. Sometimes surrender needs to be an action - well it does for me. I am going to write out a little note to my HP, telling him he's in charge now, listing all the things I am giving him control of and putting it in my latest 'God box' (my beautiful Jonathan Adler love jar) for safekeeping.

Procrastination & fear

2009-03-22T11:14:00.002Z

My partner and I are so alike - too alike sometimes.

We are both procrastinating over the thing we say we want the most - completing my partner's application for a visa to return to my country of origin.

If it is what we want so much, why are we doing everything but completing that piece of paper? This weekend I have launched myself into creative projects, searching the net and even at last resort doing household chores. Anything not to be doing the visa application.

We have been fighting over the visa procrastination, perhaps hoping blaming each other for what is going on will change our behaviour. Sadly, like every other time I have blamed somebody else for my life, the arguing and blame has just made it worse.

I feel resentful and angry today, unhealthy emotions for me that make me think of food as an answer. I know food is not what I need. Deep down this visa procrastination is about fear. We are both afraid to confront the worst-case scenario of not getting him a visa. We are worried that his health will mean he will be denied his dream of living in the country we met. We are refusing to think about a plan B. We are refusing to contemplate what it will mean to us if we do not get to live the life we've been planning.

Yet, we both know our HP's may have different plans for us. And no matter how we fight, our HPs will has to win out. Who knows why they want us to stay here in the UK?

We will only know what is ahead for us if we actually do the visa application and confront the verdict. This un-confronted fear is hurting us, we are being given an opportunity to exercise our courage, so please HP help me to overcome my procrastination soon.

For all the sponsors I've had - I am grateful..

2009-03-20T19:22:00.005Z

I have had a physically abstinent day today, but I am binging on anger, resentment and self will.

After a few hours of wallowing in self-pity, and following a call with a sponsee, I am finally willing to do something about my mood. I am currently listening to one of the OA LA virtual speaker's podcasts (available at http://www.oalaig.org/) hoping that I will hear something that I need to hear, something that will help me move on from my anger and resentment.

I was talking to someone about sponsorship last night, after they'd asked if I was available to sponsor, and it reminded me how grateful I am for all the sponsors I've had through my recovery program, in OA and in other fellowships.

I have had such different sponsors, who have worked their programs so differently. I've had sponsors I only spoke to once a week, airing my pain and troubles, clinging to slogans and reading. I've had sponsors I've rung at 6.30am every morning, ringing in my food plan for the day, reporting on yesterday and answering questions. I've talked to my sponsors for hours at a time, I've had sponsors that only really chatted for 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

I've worked the steps using HOW guidelines and HOW questions. I've worked through the Big Book Awakening CDs and workbook. I've worked the Big Book way. I've answered questions from the OA workbook. I'm sure there is hundreds of other tools, sponsors have shared with me, but I can't remember now.

I know I needed all the nuances and little bits of wisdom of all those approaches. I believe in the saying - the teacher arrives when the student is ready. My HP has definitely given me the sponsors I needed, when I needed.

I thank them, and my HP, for their love, time, generosity, support, patience, warmth, honesty, sense of humour, discipline, strength and hope. I've need those qualities and I've need them. That they delivered is another one my life's miracles.

But I do worry that I now have such a confused and mixed approach to sponsoring that I am diluting the message. Are my sponsees getting what they need from me?

I hope so, but I know I have a lot to learn.

Back to that newcomer....
I told them I didn't think I was the best idea for a sponsor for them and ran through my reasons why. By the end of the call they agreed with me. Was I shirking my responsibility, playing God (ie who am I to decide such things) or was I being responsible by talking them through it?

In short, my concerns about being this person's sponsor were:

I am planning to move countries (heading home - yeah) within the next 6 months, and I think it is important to have your first sponsor for some time. This person is very new to program, so is currently riding that crazy horse of emotions that buck when you put down your drug of choice for the first time. I feel she needs to be loved and supported by someone as long as possible.

Step 5 requires you have a strong bond of understanding - that takes time, time I don't feel I am able to offer her.

I am moving to the other side of the world, sponsoring internationally would be tough when the time zones are so different.

I already have three sponsees, adding a fourth felt too much. Could I genuinely offer the same level of support and input I needed when I first came to program? Would it impact the love and support I am currently able to offer my other sponsees?

Our communication styles are very different. I'm from a part of the world where directness and harsh words are usual forms of communication. She seems sensitive to harsh words.

Today I still feel I did the right thing in airing all my concerns. After all, I did leave the final decision to her - and she seemed to appreciate my honesty. I offered myself as a temporary sponsor, but her resolve seems to be get a sponsor now. She is going to ask someone at tomorrow's meeting. Good for her, that kind of commitment to working the program will be rewarded.

Third step reminder

Someone just shared that the 3rd step could be summarised as 'do as you're told'. I feel like such a resentful angry teenager today that I know that is what I need to hear.

Miraculously, I feel willing to do as I am told.

Tomorrow I will go to my favourite meeting.

Today, the promises and me...

2009-03-19T19:50:00.006Z

I was abstinent today (as I have been most of the week). It wasn't a struggle. I just did what I needed to do (have a food plan, hand over my food, abstain from the first compulsive bite, be grateful and speak to other people in programme) and the rest followed.

I have been thinking a lot about the promises today. They are why I go to meetings, I know that. I want to live the sane and healthy life the promises hold out to me. I want to grow in understanding and effectiveness.

I can not live a life like that if I am in the food.

As I originally went to meetings to lose weight so, I was horrified at first that there was no promise that I would lose weight. Today I ask myself would I still be going to meetings after all this time if the promise of OA was simply I'll lose weight. I doubt it.

My weight is important to me - I have never really been happy with my weight, my legs are heavy and I am heavier than I should be. I wish it wasn't true, I wish I was a better advertisement for OA but the reality is I eat more food than I burn off. It's a simple equation, if I take in more fuel than I use or need I am going to have excess fuel stored in my body.

It might not be every day that I eat more food than I need, but it is what happens on average. I might do it in subtle ways or with 'abstinent' food, but it still more than I need. My weight is an important reflection of my truth around food. My higher power knows I need a constant reminder that I am a compulsive overeater, and therefore what that means. When I remember

I am a compulsive overeater I put in the work to arrest my disease.

Some days I can even be grateful for that constant reminder - my excess weight.

What isn't working for me

2009-03-18T20:14:00.005Z

When did honesty become such a problem for me? Five years ago I would never have described myself as someone with issues with honesty, but today I see how hard I try to avoid the truth at any costs, especially if it is about my own behaviour.

I haven't changed in the five years, it is my understanding of who I am that has changed.

I need to see for myself what isn't working any more, which includes:

Not asking my HP for help when I feel myself being compulsive around food.
Taking the first compulsive bite.
Eating outside my planned meals - not matter what it is. Even fruit. Fruit can only be eaten as part of a meal plan.
Eating foods with sugar as the third ingredient or above. Sugar is my poison, no matter how small the quantity.
Isolating, not calling others when I am struggling with the food.
Not being honest to others about being in the food. Yes I need to share my hope and my strength, but I also need to share my 'true' experience of recovering from my compulsive overeating.
Missing meetings - it shows every time I skip a meeting
Forgetting to be grateful - I have so much to be grateful for and as I know an attitude of gratitude makes for a great attitude.
Cooking for others food that I can not eat - especially when it is done as a substitute for eating that food.
Commenting on other people's weight
Judging my body

My Step 3 prayer

2009-03-18T19:17:00.002Z

God, take my will & my life, guide me in my recovery, show me how to live. Show me how to live life free from self-obsession and addiction, to live a life you would want for me, to help others and show them an abstinent and sane life. Help me to live a life of your will, not mine. Each time today I say a prayer, even as small as Oh God, I will be reminded of your care for me which will remind me to leave room for your will.

Whatever it takes

2009-03-18T19:03:00.003Z

I loved this meat sign...

I can't help feeling I am not doing 'whatever it takes' to get well. At last night's OA meeting I had to read the preamble to the meeting, the Chapter 5 extract from the Big Book. I was struck by the lines ... 'As a result of practising the steps, the symptoms of compulsive overeating is removed on a daily basis, achieved through the process of surrendering to something greater than ourselves. The more total our surrender, the more fully realised our freedom from food obsession.'

When I allow myself to see myself honestly these days, I see that the quality of my surrender isn't great. It almost feels like I am playing with surrender, that I am playing out some negotiation or deal with God - it's like I say ok God, I'll do this and this and then you promise me I can have the rest of the food I want. I know I am still living my will, not God's will.

Today my food was fine. Yesterday my food was fine. Fine, not great.

Sunday my food was average. I completely pushed my boundaries around food, trying to force my will onto my day's eating. I suffered for it on Monday, my brain was fuzzy, I craved more food than I normally eat. I craved foods I normally do not eat. I felt fat and was looking for reassurance from others that I was ok, that I was enough. I didn't have enough energy to do what I needed to do. Only by God's will I did not really overeat.

That's not the kind of life I want. I want to stop with this playing around at the moment, I want to improve the quality of my surrender.

I am not sure what to do. My resistance is there. I don't want to to do a 90 meetings in 90 days, as here I'd have to take in AA meetings and I am not sure I'd get the identification I am looking for but I think I need to do something for 90 days. Maybe it's daily questions, or a daily writing exercise. I know 90 is a magic number for me, like it is for others and it has worked for me in the past.

Any ideas?

My food plan - only - no matter what

2009-03-09T11:05:00.006Z

I just heard someone on the amazing podcasts on http://www.oalaig.org/ talking about no matter what - not taking the first compulsive bite no matter what. I know that is what I am missing from my food plan at the moment - that I will only eat what is on my food plan no matter what.

My food plan is how I hear my HPs will for me. If I let myself eat other things or in other ways (such as snacking between meals) I am going to bring my will in, and my disease allows me to make bad decisions.

Advice - what I was really telling myself

2009-03-09T10:45:00.004Z

There is a reason why program reminds us that advice giving is not a good idea. I can't make sane and healthy decisions about my own life, so how could I give sane and healthy advice. It seems though, that whenever I most need to listen to advice I start to give it and it usually advice I need to give myself.

I have been reflecting on that this morning, and am amassing a list of advice I've given or questions I've asked recently where I was really telling/asking myself.

Have you asked your HP to help you?
Do you really believe you are powerless over food and that compulsive eating is killing you?
What is the food giving you that you can't get elsewhere?
Why don't you use the tools before you take your first compulsive bite?
It's not your sponsor that gets you abstinent

I loved this quote another blogger posted today - and it is so apt:

Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut. -Robert Newton Peck

In the food - how did that happen?

2009-03-09T09:23:00.009Z

I am trying to overcome my ego and write this entry honestly and humbly. I've learnt in program that being humble isn't berating myself and saying I am less than, it is about saying I am the same as others no better, no worse.

I need to remember that today, the day after a day in the food. My body is in pain, my sinus' hurt from sugar they are not used to. My stomach is bloated and I feel ashamed. I am judging my physical self in a way that I do not usually do. I ate food that wasn't mine, it was my partners. I was secretive and sneaked it when he wasn't looking - I even got up after he fell asleep so I could eat uninterrupted.

I didn't want to see his face, to hear his questions about what I was doing. I wanted to be in my disease alone.

So how did this happen?

Earlier in the week, I realised I was a little off track. We've had a big emotional week around my partner's health. He has a chronic serious illness and he was having trouble living with it so he had a doctors appointment to see what was happening. We are hoping to move to Australia, and his health is a big concern regarding his visa application.

I let all my coping mechanisms kick in on the days around his doctors appointment. I told him that our HPs would look after us, that we would get what we needed and could cope with. I said the right words, appeared to be handing it over to my HP, but deep down I was hanging on. I was making secretive deals with my HP, secretive to even me. I'll work my program if you make everything ok.... old stuff for me.

The doctors appointment went ok, we felt ok with the prognosis and what our HPs were giving us to cope with. And then my feelings kicked in, feelings I hadn't even realised I'd been holding on to - fear, control, anger, resentment. They swelled up and I didn't know how to handle them. I cried the evening after the appointment, and my partner told me he was confused by my reaction. Hadn't I been giving to my HP? Clearly not.

I realised I was in trouble so I did some work - some writing, went to a meeting, handed my feelings to my HP. A bit. The meeting was on Step 3, and I realised that was happening - I didn't really think my HP could care for me and my partner around his health.

However, I let that realisation slide. I did not do 'what it takes' to work the program and in a strange way I enjoyed holding on to the old familiar bad feelings of anger and resentment.

I even started to share my fears with my family, something I rarely do these days, as I knew they'd never challenge my thinking and simply reinforce how justified I was in my fear and resentment.

I felt I was just feeling my feelings but it was more complicated than that. I was allowing my disease to take control. So how did I end up in the food?

The simple truth is that it happened when I took the first compulsive bite outside my foodplan. It's ok, it's just an orange I told myself but I knew I was lying. It wasn't ok, I was letting my disease sneak in.

My day looked fairly normal, but I had a few more snacks outside a meal. Still fruit, still lying to myself that it was ok. I ate lunch late, and dinner later. I took an OA call and didn't share how 'shaky' my food was, and feeling like a fraud and dishonest I looked for a large dinner to fill my spiritual hole.

After dinner the fruit was suddenly not enough. I needed sugar, I needed something to make me feel numb. For some insane reason I decided not to ask my HP for help, not to ask another member for support, not to do anything to help myself. I wanted to be in the food.

I am insane. As usual my thinking got me into trouble.

Thankfully today is a new day. I am abstinent today (ok I've only had one meal, breakfast, but it's a start) and I am willing to work my program without any deals.

Remembering to be grateful...

2009-02-27T20:43:00.003Z

That I have a program to work when I am not living the way I want to
That today I can remember my history, and those from it, and not beat myself up. I know I did the best I could at the time
That my life today is nothing like it was when I was 25 - for starters I believe there is a HP looking after me
For my HP and his plan for me - so far it's more creative than mine
For my quiet night had home, alone, tonight. I needed the space to think, to reflect and to get grateful for all I have
For my meeting tomorrow (today) and the service I have to do as it will make sure I get there
For my sponsor who suggested I text my food in until I back on track - it has been working
For all the mirales that I have had - and there are lots of them
For the opportunities that Craig and I are getting to learn and grow as a couple
That I don't always get my own way - sometimes other people want better things than me

Resentments are ruining my day

2009-02-27T19:06:00.002Z

I am irritable and resentful today. I have allowed it to get in the way of enjoying my day and I have struggled to be the person I want to be. I have been angry, judgmental, blaming and disrespectful.

Resentment normally comes when I am in 'control' - not accepting life on life's terms, unable to see other people's point of view. Resentment also comes when I am fearful, often fearful that they are right and I am wrong in my beliefs. It is often only a small irritation, but it is ridiculous. It's being irritated that the world isn't doing exactly what I want. Well who said it had to?

What I forgot to do today was to ask myself 'how important is it?' For all the things I was resentful about today, none of them were incredibly important. It's not important that people think just like me. So, I let my day be ruined by silly, unimportant things - many to do with my ego.

Resentment is a feeling, it doesn’t have to be an action. I don’t need to speak or act on my resentments, but today I struggled not to show them. I want to move away from the cloud that covers me when I wallow in resentment, so I need to name them and then release them.

The only way I know how to free myself from resentment is with a gift from my HP. I can not simply will myself to let the resentment go. Usually I try to do that by rationalising but that often keeps me stuck, as I can tell myself I have good reason to be resentful. Please HP - help me be free of the resentments I've cluched too firmly too today. You will be done.

Listening to the fabulous LA OA podcasts

2009-02-17T15:17:00.005Z

I am enjoying listening to the OA LA Intergroup speaker podcasts so much, they provide inspiration and identification whenever I need it. They don't replace meetings for me, as I need to physically meet with other compulsive overeaters in order to really accept what it means to be a compulsive overeater and to stay abstinent, but they are a great tonic between meetings.

If you identify as a compulsive overeater, go to the address below and listen to some of the podcasts, as I am sure you'll find something you're looking for.

As ever, I am grateful for all the amazing people in recovery who do servie so that I may learn and grow.

http://www.oalaig.org/

Acceptance and surrender

2009-02-17T14:09:00.003Z

Notes I made for this weekend's retreat:

In choosing the topic acceptance and surrender I realise I ‘m attracted to what I need to learn (and re-learn). Pre-program I would have denied that truth to myself – it would have felt too hypocritical, too imperfect but today I know that honesty and awareness are what give me freedom. Today I am just grateful for the opportunity to think about something that has been so fundamental to my recovery.

The first three steps of the program for me can be summarised in three words, they are awareness, acceptance and surrender. These three words are the cornerstones of my recovery. When I don’t have these in all areas of my life, my life becomes unmanageable.

I am a prisoner of my own belief systems – I get trapped in situations because I think that I need to be able to control everything, that I am responsible for everything, that I can think myself out of situations. But my best thinking got me into my biggest problems.

How I set myself free isn’t by attacking myself and this controlling thinking and saying I am wrong. My HP doesn’t want for me something so unkind – it is not me who is wrong, it is my thinking. He wants me to investigate the beliefs that are causing me problems, gain the awareness so that I can accept and surrender. I need all three steps until I can be free of the chains of a particular problem, if I miss one part of this process, say skip from awareness to surrender, I will eventually falter.

Food has been my story. I was born into a family of compulsive overeaters – I had teenage sisters who were binging and starving when I was a baby. Food was the centre of our family. It was where we came together – how we showed love, how we showed anger in denying each other food, how we celebrated our life, how we felt better if we were sad or angry.
I thought it was ok to live life like this, until I hit puberty and discovered I was uncomfortable being in a womanly body with curves and bumps. I began to try to control my food and what I looked like. I was very sporty and I started to feel self conscious in my sports clothes. I stopped sport. I started eating even more. Slowly I gave up everything that made me confront my growing size. I became someone I barely recognised.

In trying to control my food, and my life, it got completely out of control. I married for the first time very young, to an active alcoholic. Our first year of our marriage was marked by how out of control our addictions were. After 6 months I had gained stones & 3 dress sizes and he was so out of control he could barely keep a job, and was lying and stealing to feed his addiction. We were out of control, something I am thankful for today. My mother-in-law took me to my first 12 step meeting. One of my first sponsors in the other fellowship took me to OA, but I believed that my weight was a symptom of my crazy life. At this time, I did not believe that I was a food addict. I thought if I changed my life, my weight would change.

Slowly my life did change. I left behind all my problem relationships, I did lots of therapy work and lots of recovery meetings, but I was still eating. After 10 years of healing my life, but being unable to control my thinking around food, I finally submitted to OA.

I did that in a therapist’s office while she was trying to get me to see I had willpower over food. I knew she was wrong – that it was time for me to accept I was powerless. I was angry that I had to face another addiction, but I had the willingness to turn up to meetings. That’s all I had though. I thought all my years of eating & dieting was me getting acceptance, but that wasn’t completely right. I have found acceptance is an elusive bugger – that as soon as I think I have it captured in my hands, it wriggles free and eludes me.

Recovery for me has been a process of learning to accept my reality – of accepting exactly what it means for me to be powerless. In order for me to accept reality I need to understand that I am not in charge of the process, that my HP is in charge. That is the basis of my surrender and I need to surrender at least once a day.

Accepting I am an addict and what it means to be an addict is the first thing I have to do each morning. In reminding myself of that, I can plan to live my life the way I want, not be trapped by my addictions. I am not like everybody else, I have to accept I can’t eat or drink like everybody else. I can not make life look the way I want, that is my HPs job.

Surrender is one of the things I grapple with in my recovery – I can not control my surrender – it is an unconscious event, one where I slowly allow my higher power to take over the handling of my life. I can not simply will myself to let go, and let my HP take control. It just won’t work for me like that.

Surrender almost seems like the wrong thing for me to do. I spent many years before recovery trying to learn to control everything to control my food. I tried to practise more willpower in what I ate. I read every book I could get my hands on about being thin. I tried to practise affirmations to let the universe know what I wanted my life to look like, telling it I wanted to be thin and to be able to eat what I wanted. I tried to pray to my god to ask him to make my life the way I wanted. But these things didn’t work, all these things just made me eat more because I can not control my compulsive overeating. I am powerless over my eating.

What I can control is the footwork I do. In going to meetings, working with a sponsor, reading OA literature and writing out my feelings I am making sure I am doing everything to get me ready for my surrender. These things make me teachable, open me to living my life differently and to living my HP’s will, not mine.

My surrender to my obsession with food is often very close to being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I seem to judge myself for that, even though I know that it should be enough. I have this little fantasy that surrender is something I can do graciously, as an act of faith, something that I simply do each day, and then don’t think about again

The reality is so much uglier. I kick and scream in my surrender, pushing the boundaries of what I can eat, pushing the boundaries of what I think I should have the courage to change. Each morning I surrender to food, I surrender to my fear, I surrender to my relationship problems and then 30 minutes later when I feel a twitch of discomfort in feelings, or simply see something I can no longer eat, and then I take back my power. I decide I am in control again. I begin to push those boundaries again, to feel in control. Luckily I can surrender hundreds of times a day.

And sometimes I have to fake it until I make it. I just give up fighting, and that feel close enough to surrender for me. Then slowly, as I let my HP take over my life, it does move to a more gracious and loving space. I know that in loving myself I need to hand all that I am powerless over to my HP.

I also struggle with universally surrendering my life to my HP. Most days I am happy to hand over my food to my HP, and therefore can do that in faith. I recite my little Step 3 pray each morning, telling my HP what it means to be surrendering to my food. Normally it goes along the lines of I am a compulsive overeater; I am powerless over my food. That means I surrender my food to you by having three meals today, nothing in between and no foods that are on my binge lists. Having done this I might immediately be worrying about things beyond my control, money, my job, my security but I will be unable to hand these to my HP.

I often struggle to recognise God’s will for me – something I feel I need to understand in surrendering to it. I am miss instant hit. I want the answers to come now. Life isn’t like that so now, to really check I am following God’s will, I ask myself is this seeming too hard, am I pushing too strongly against the grain. Is it hurting anyone? Is it kind?

To truly surrender my life to my HP, I can not pick and chose which parts of my life I give him. My HP is control of everything. One of the hardest things I’ve struggled with is my fertility, and I think it is very wrapped up in my life as an addict. I have made lots of decisions about being a mother based on my addictions. About 3 years ago I was having IVF treatment that was playing havoc on my emotional health and in the middle of it all my fertility specialist said that for me to be pregnant I would need to do something that wasn’t legal in Australia. I decided then that motherhood wasn’t what God wanted for me. It met my too hard criteria. It was also hurting me.

One of my closest girlfriends was so angry with me at this decision – she felt I was giving up on a dream I’d had all my life. The procedure the doctor said was my only possibility is legal in the US (where this friend lives) and she wanted me to come there and do it. The decision was hard, but deep down I knew that it just wasn’t what God wanted. I surrendered to that will. It still hurt, and still hurts. For some reason I think it should be easy for me to follow God’s will – that it shouldn’t hurt.

I surrendered to this will of God’s but I was angry at God, and in the middle of that grief and the insanity of fertility drugs I broke a long-term abstinence. I did it wilfully. Just made up my mind I’d punish God for not giving me what I wanted – just let my insanity shine through. I forgot I wasn’t in control – in letting my abstinence go so wilfully I forgot I was powerless over food, I thought I could get it back whenever I wanted.

God had another plan for me. I have never had that kind of abstinence return. But I see that is God’s will for me. Today my HP makes me work for my abstinence, if I don’t attend meetings, do service etc my abstinence quickly slips. My HP knows that’s what I need – to be constantly reminded I am powerless over food.

Recently a UK doctor has told me, completely unprompted by me, that she sees hope for me in the baby front. Hope is enough. And it reminds me God has a bigger plan for me, as I am in very different circumstances re the baby-making today (new partner for one).

I’ve read over and over again God’s will never enters where self-will dominates. When I see or hear of a problem, my first instinct is always ‘it’s up to me to fix this’. That thinking was the result of my childhood where there was so much chaos and unhappiness that I realised no one was there to save me. In my childish mixed up thinking I thought I was there to save everyone else. It suited my family to let that thinking play out. My self-will got me into some crazy situations. At 22 I was named guardian of a very sick 27 year old brother who had been abusive and who I had never forgiven. Once I drove him in a psychotic state in a car full of firearms to hand them into the authorities. I’d secretly reported him as unwell and he’d had his license revoked and had been ordered to hand them in. The man at the armoury joked with me that I was having a mad time, but sadly my self will meant I was having a mad life.

I had this mentally ill brother, a terminally ill father who was terrified of dying and couldn’t stand to be alone, a mother who wasn’t coping, a brother very ill with AIDs, a husband who was who was completely out of control. I was over-involved in all these dramas.

I was so busy rescuing everyone else that I could barely function. I lost my job and I realised I needed to change or I was going to die. I really believe I’d be dead today if I didn’t have this program.

12 steps showed me that the change needed to come from me. I slowly stopped living on self-will. I accepted I didn’t know what was right for me, let alone everyone else, that my life was in God’s hands.

The change has been profound, but happened fairly slowly, so slowly that I barely noticed all the little changes. I can barely remember my life before program. I’m slowly learning how to keep my hands off. When I hear a problem my first instinct is still what can I do? That’s ok if the answer is, ‘Give it to God’.

And I need to continually practise surrendering to God, to letting go of the outcomes. The solutions to many of my problems have been beyond my imagination. Surrendering to my problems puts me in a position for a different alternative. I have had miracle after miracle when I handed it over to God.

Change begins with surrender because you can’t see another alternative until you surrender your way of doing things.

My life is so different because of two little things – acceptance and surrender. To have the life I need, I need to accept the fact that I am powerless over things – my food, my feelings, my partner – that I can’t change without help and then I ask for help – I surrender.

The morning after

2009-02-16T10:27:00.004Z

It's the morning after an OA retreat. I feel emotional, exhausted and a big pot of confusion. I had a lovely, moving weekend but today is a dangerous day. I have binged and stuffed down my feelings after retreats before. I need to take care.

Being grateful is a great way to take care. I am grateful:

For the fabulous weekend I have just had - the people I shared it with, the lessons my HP made sure I heard, the surroundings
For my Valentenine - he understood why it was important for me to be on a recovery retreat on Valentines day. He gave me my card early and he welcomed me home with a wonderful, abstinent meal of butterfly trout that he'd taken care to prepare
For the 12 steps and all those who work them
The adventures that lay ahead for me
That I can do nothing today, if I wish, that I do not have to go to work. And that my partner supports my need for a rest day
That there is more than one place I can call home, and I can be at home wherever I need to
That Tesco delivers, and I can do my chores without leaving home

Slipping & Sliding

2009-02-03T09:18:00.004Z

Yesterday was a bit of a strange day, one filled with joy and child-like excitement. I didn't have to work and got to spend the day in the snow.

Yet, somehow I allowed myself to sneak in some extra food. It wasn't much, it wasn't a disaster, but it wasn't on on my food plan and it is a reminder that I wasn't doing all it took to keep my abstinence.

Food has been pretty easy the last 7 days, so my complacency yesterday could have been expected. What I forgot though was I need to put in the foot work, and my HP will look after the rest.

I didn't write my food plan yesterday. I didn't hand my food over to my HP. I didn't pray when I wanted the extra food. I didn't call anyone in program.

Today I will do what it takes to have the freedom from food.

Today I am grateful for

2009-02-02T16:30:00.007Z

The day spent enjoying the snow - everything looks prettier, cleaner & nicer in the snow

Sarah and her suggestion we go ice-skating at the open-air rink. I loved skating as the snow softly fell. I felt like a 10 year old.

For the opportunity to live in another country that has such different weather to where I am from

For the walking shoes that helped me stay upright walking in the snow & ice - something most Australians don't have to do very often

For my assignment that is only 3 days a week - which allowed me to truely enjoy the snow

For the hope of another assignment that will give me 5 days a week

For all the lessons Craig & I are learning about being a couple, and sharing our finances

For the love of family & friends

Healing

2009-02-02T10:42:00.005Z

Someone shared something in a OA meeting on Saturday that made a big impact on me. They were a nurse, and they talked about how physical healing works and its parallels to how we heal spiritually and emotionally in http://www.oa.org/index.htm.

Apparently, when we have a big gaping wound, no amount of stitches or skin grafts can completely heal the wound. The body has a number of stages it needs to go through to heal, and it needs to heal slowly, from the bottom up. It reminds us that we are healing from compulsive overeating from the inside out (not healing simply by changing how we look on the outside – our weight).

The first stage of healing is inflammation – the swelling and the redness. Someone later shared that inflammation made them think about something that was big, red and angry. Isn’t that just like healing emotionally? I always feel like that when I am upset. It reminds me of those first abstinent weeks, where my emotions rise to the top and I am big, red and angry.

I am hoping that looking at my emotional healing this way will help me to embrace my pain (when I need to), to know that it is what I need to go through to heal. That feeling pain is a positive sign of healing, not something that should be avoided at all costs or numbed with food.

Three As – Awareness, Acceptance & Action

2009-01-27T17:21:00.000Z

I first got told about the three As of program over 15 years ago but I discovered recently that I wasn’t using them. I am so good at forgetting the basics in this program, of ignoring what works for me. I think that is how my disease tries to trick me into succumbing to it.

Recently I have been stumbling over my fears, especially my fear of financial insecurity. Trying to focus on a way through it I decided to do a fear inventory. I used a sheet based on the Big Book inventory way. The inventory flowed and I felt like I was crossing off the awareness and action in one swift go. Then the next night I had the biggest fight with my partner about money, an argument that was the result of a complete over-reaction on my part and a response to my fears.

The strength of my anger about his action with money shocked me. Instinctively I am not sure what to with fear, and often resort to my old childhood friend of anger. It worked for me when I was little as the anger made me feel protected and safe, but as an adult it fails me.

I realised I had failed to accept my fears. I had intellectually been fighting them and refusing to truly acknowledge their role in my behaviour. My awareness was fine, but there was dishonesty in it. I didn’t feel I should have those fears, so I was denying their true impact on my life, denying to myself how strongly I held the fears. I was telling myself if I truly believed in my HP I would not be so fearful about anything.

That might be true, but in denying my fears I can’t shift them. It is in accepting I have these fears that I am able to give them to my HP. It is only my HP who can relieve me of my fears. Experience shows me over and over again that my fears (and resentments) are not relieved until I truly accept them.

Weight

2009-01-27T16:02:00.001Z

I’m putting on weight. It’s very slowly, but enough for me to notice, and for my partner to notice. I’ve started talking critically about my body, something I haven’t done for a while. I even caught myself staring into the mirror and calling myself fat.

I’m checking my body against my clothes, pulling at my fat, everything to check that it is true I am putting on weight. I can’t weigh myself as that sends me even further into the food, but I know it is true. As I made one more comment about it last night my partner quietly asked me why, why are you putting on weight?

That’s a good question. I’m struggling to really understand it myself. There has been no binges, there has been no eating of foods on my black list. It has just been a slow slide into bigger servings, with less exercise.

It’s a simple equation; more fuel into my body, less use of that fuel equals bigger reserves. Yesterday I heard about an old Scottish science experiment where they didn’t let an obese man eat until he’d used up all his body fat, all he was allowed to swallow was vitamins and water. He lasted over a year with no food. I’m sure I could last at least three months without food, so why is it that every time there is a plate of food in front of me my first thought is it’s not enough. I know my disease is a disease of not enough, but even after all these years of living with it I find it difficult to accept the reality of it.

I need to ignore my instincts around food – I can not trust myself when it comes to portion size. If I am prepared, with a written food plan, I can challenge these disease thoughts.

I spoke to my sponsor about my weight last night during our scheduled call. She agreed it was time to look at what I’m doing with my food and why it isn’t working for me.

Not only have I lost sight of my ‘moderate’ portion size learnt after a period of weighing and measuring, but the types of foods I eat have been distorted by my husband’s food preference. I’ve let too many carbohydrates creep into our diet, and have not been cooking enough green and healthy food.

I need to focus on my food. Yes I need to accommodate my husband and his tastes, but he does not have a food problem and can snack if he does not like what we have for dinner. I don’t have that luxury, so my food requirements need to come first.

The action I need to take to improve my food plan.
Hand my weight over to my higher power – the footwork is mine, but the weight is his to look after
· Improve my shopping to include more greens and less ‘comfort’ foods
· Measure my servings – primarily using spoon servings
· When I want to eat more – or have that extra piece of fruit ask myself what is this food doing for me that I can not do for myself. If it is comfort, I need to ask myself how can I comfort myself. If it is entertainment, what can I do to alleviate the boredom. If it is to numb myself, what is it that I am avoiding and what steps can I take to
· Have a firmer food plan. For too long I’ve allowed myself to just have a general food plan of 3 meals a day, nothing in between and avoiding my black foods. When I first got abstinent I had a much firmer food plan than that. I knew exactly what I was eating at each meal. I will write my food plan down each day before I eat anything, listing portion sizes

Weight isn’t everything, but it is the barometer of how honestly I am working the program, of what is going on for me and it is what keeps me turning up to program.

Resentment Prayer

2009-01-26T17:49:00.002Z

God help me to show this person the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would Cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.

Set Aside Prayer

2009-01-25T14:34:00.000Z

Dear God:

Help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, the Big Book, food addiction, the Steps, and in spiritual terms, you God. I ask that I may have a truly open mind, so I might have a new experience with these things; please help me see the truth.

For this I am grateful..

2009-01-25T13:09:00.004Z

That today, when I want to do nothing, I have nothing that has to be done 'today'
That my man is loving, forgiving (which he needed to be this week) and supportive
The LA OA Speakers Bureau podcats. Listening to them is almost as good as going to a meeting. They constantly remind me what my disease looks like, and what I need to do one day at a time to be abstitent. It's lovely to hear so many people with so many years of recovery, when sometimes it feels like there is hardly anyone with long term abstinence in our program

Other bloggers who share their experience, strength and hope - and their struggle. I need to feel I am not alone in not working this all perfectly

That my program is teaching me to take what I like and leave the rest - and to try to work my own program, not worry about others'
Messages from old friends - it's nice to feel remembered when you're so far awy
Cooking healthy, absitinent and creative food
Trying to draw - it is ok not to be good as something (or so I keep reminding myseld)

Surrender

2009-01-19T15:56:00.004Z

Surrender is one of the most basic things I grapple with in my recovery – and like so many things that are crucial – it is one of the hardest things to do.

I can not control my surrender – it is an unconscious event, one where I slowly allow my higher power to take over the handling of my life. I can not simply will myself to let go, and let my HP take control. It just won’t work for me like that.

Surrender almost seems like the wrong thing for me to do. I spent many years before recovery trying to learn to control everything to control my food. I tried to practise more willpower in what I ate. I read every book I could get my hands on about being thin. I tried to practise affirmations to let the universe know what I wanted my life to look like, telling it I wanted to be thin and to be able to eat what I wanted. I tried to pray to my god to ask him to make my life the way I wanted.

But these things didn’t work, all these things just made me eat more because I can not control my compulsive overeating. I am powerless over my eating.

What I can control is the footwork I do. In going to meetings, working with a sponsor, reading OA literature and writing out my feelings I am making sure I am doing everything to get me ready for my surrender. These things make me teachable, open me to living my life differently and to living my HP’s will, not mine.

My surrender to my obsession with food is often very close to being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I seem to judge myself for that, even though I know that it should be enough. I have this little fantasy that surrender is something I can do graciously as an act of faith, a bit like the dali lama and his belief in peaceful resistance, something that I simply do each day, and then don’t think about again

The reality is so much uglier. I kick and scream in my surrender, pushing the boundaries of what I can eat, pushing the boundaries of what I think I should have the courage to change. Each morning I surrender to food, I surrender to my fear, I surrender to my relationship problems and then 30 minutes later when I feel a twitch of discomfort in feelings, or simply see something I can no longer eat, and then I take back my powerless. I decide I am in control again. I begin to push those boundaries again, to feel in control. Luckily I can surrender hundreds of times a day.

And sometimes I have to fake it until I make it. I just give up fighting, and that feel close enough to surrender for me. Then slowly, as I let my HP take over my life, it does move to a more gracious and loving space. I know that in loving myself I need to hand all that I am powerless over to my HP.

I also struggle with universally surrendering my life to my HP. Most days I am happy to hand over my food to my HP, and therefore can do that in faith. I recite my little Step 3 pray each morning, telling my HP what it means to be surrendering to my food. Normally it goes along the lines of I am a compulsive over eater, I am powerless over my food. That means I surrender my food to you by having three meals today, nothing in between and no foods that are on my binge lists. Having done this and relieved myself of my food worries, I might immediately be worrying about other things beyond my control, money, my job, my security but I will be unable to hand these to my HP.

To truly surrender my life to my HP, I can not pick and chose which parts of my life. MY HP is control of everything. Luckily I can surrender my life one part of a time.

Overeaters Anonymous saved my life

2009-01-19T15:11:00.005Z

I realise that in trying to protect my anonymity I have not been clear about what has saved my life - giving me the sane and happy life I have today.

Overeaters Anonymous

Overeaters Anonymus is a program of recovery from compulsive overeating using the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of OA.

OA is not just about weight loss, gain or maintenance; or obesity or diets. It addresses physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. It is not a religious organization and does not promote any particular diet.

This blog is my story, not endorsed or associated with OA. I hope I have shared by experience, strength and hope with the battle with compulsive overeating.

If you've got here because you need help with your compulsive eating please go find out more. I promise you it will change your life. To find out more go to: http://www.oa.org/

Serenity Prayer - the 12-step edited version

2009-01-19T12:40:00.006Z

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Fake it until you make it

2009-01-05T15:25:00.004Z

Today I have been feeling like a fraud in program, I haven’t been to a meeting since Christmas, I have been slipping and sliding a lot with the food, letting myself have snacks as some sort of compensation for no sugar (like that is a punishment rather than the gift it is), and I am forgetting to be grateful for all I have. All this has left me feeling emotional and a little lost to be honest.

Looking for inspiration, I was re-reading some old writing of my own and came across this ‘Fake it until you make it. Behave as if I’m already patient, or brave, or powerful and see what happens…’. It seems to be the challenge I need today. What can I achieve if I just fake it?

Can I feel closer to my recovery by simply faking that I am? I will forever be grateful that all I need to be a part of my fellowship is a willingness to recover – and thank God I always seem to have a slither of that willingness, no matter how resentful, lazy or foggy I feel, I am willing to recover in some way. That willingness just keeps arriving – it is one of the things I am most grateful for and the thing I don’t have to fake.

Today faking is enough – I can fake my gratefulness by listing all I have to be grateful for, I can feel like I am living program by calling others including my sponsor, I can commit to my food plan now and eat abstinently and let my feelings flow honestly.

I am going to a meeting tomorrow – so what I have in program today is enough. I am enough.

A grateful Christmas

2008-12-25T18:44:00.004Z

On this very merry day, I have so much to be grateful for:

I am grateful for my first Xmas with my own little family with my partner - a clean & sober one for us both
I am grateful for all the abundance I have in my life - including all the gifts I received today
I am grateful for my partners' family, and the effort they take to make sure I am ok on days like today
I am grateful that my partner decided I deserved to be spoilt - despite what we'd said about not being able to afford it
I am grateful that the I could ignore the calls of sugar today - and therefore was able to be present in the day, with the people around me
I am grateful for the phone that let me speak to my family on the other side of the world
I am grateful I am learning to mind my own business

Freedom

2008-12-17T22:08:00.002Z

I used to fantasise about the freedom to eat what I wanted with no physical consequences. I wanted to have complete freedom to eat whenever and whatever I wanted, and in any quantities I wanted.

Slowly in recovery I’ve realised that there is no freedom in out of control eating.

Today I am grateful for the freedom that comes with having a clear mind, untainted by the numbing and distortion of excess food. In the fog of food I can not think clearly, logically and rationally. I have no room for creativity and I miss the little details and lose sight of the big picture.

Today I am grateful for the freedom that comes from 3 meals a day – I do not have to be constantly calculating what I’ve already eaten for the day or what I want to eat later on, count the calories of the day. Today I am grateful that the discipline of eating within a food plan keeps me away from the physical obsession that eating whatever I want brings.

Today I am thankful that I can not eat whatever I want. The physical side effects of ensure that I keep coming back – and that I get to be a little saner every day.